Archive for the ‘Abstinence’ Category

Bungling or Brilliant? How to talk with your kids about sex

In Abstinence, Child Development, Choice, Education, Families, Marriage, motherhood, Parenting, Religion, Sex Education, Sexual Freedom, The Family, Values on October 19, 2015 at 8:55 am

mother talking to teenby Christie Masters

When my children were very young, I answered questions like “Mommy, where do babies come from?” with a comfortably undetailed, “They are a gift from God”. This worked until one of my young daughters wanted to know if she would be given a baby even if she didn’t want one. It became clear, that for her, a little information could be added. “Babies are the wonderful expression of mommy and daddy’s love for one another” tells part of the story, until later when they ask about the young neighbor who has a baby and isn’t married yet. Though parenting through these questions can be a series of well-meaning bungled explanations or successes, the opportunity for dialogue with our children is of crucial importance. It is a precious and humbling experience to teach our children the truth about life, love, sex and marriage, and it is through on-going conversations with parents, though some may be humorous and some awkward, that our children get the most life-changing information and advice.

Researchers have shown that parents are the most effective influence on their children’s decision to delay sexual encounters. Studies have also shown that teens express a desire to talk with and learn from their parents, indicating that it would be easier to “say no” if they had more open conversations with their parents about sexuality. [1]  The importance of parental involvement in the sexual education of their children is all too clear, we must get involved. Our family has embraced some basic premises that help guide our conversations about this important topic:

  1. We treat waiting until marriage to have sex as an achievable. We teach our children that self-control and restraint are important in all areas of life, and sexual intimacy is no exception. We teach them that sex within a marriage where the husband and wife mutually love and respect one another is one of the most gratifying and precious gifts two people can share. This belief seasons every conversation we have about sexuality.
  2. We decided early on to be open about the choices we made when we were young, both good and bad. My husband and I view our past as a testimony, a story that includes both heartache and redeeming love. This is a very personal decision for parents, and there is understandably discretion to be used. Our children have often thanked us for being candid with them.
  1. No question is off limits. We encourage our children to talk with us if they see something disturbing or inappropriate, and we encourage them to ask us questions if they are curious about something. We try to make sure our answers are tempered by our children’s age and understanding.
  2. We prayerfully consider each child’s needs. If your family is like ours, there are children who seek you out and talk about anything and everything that is on their heart, while others are more quiet and contemplative. Often these are the kids that we need to purposefully engage in discussing important topics.
  3. We avoid “freaking out”, as my children would say, even when we feel sidelined by an unexpected question or one of our children shares an opinion that may not reflect what we believe or have taught them. We would rather know what they really think, rather than simply hearing them parrot back to us what we want to hear- this opens the door for wise counsel and searching for the truth together.
  4. We include the moral reason behind principles we teach our children, instead of just saying “No.” Talking about the “why” behind the rules, such as dating, internet usage, and clothing choices, makes them more reasonable and practicable.

Regardless of your political affiliations or religious beliefs, your children’s understanding of sexuality and relationships should never be sacrificed on the altar of society’s new “norms” or trends, but should reflect the principles and beliefs that are foundational to you as a parent, and to your family. Parents are, regardless of feelings of inadequacy, the best choice to teach these important principles and their children think so as well.

mother talking to teenWhat do you want your children to learn about sex and when? Develop a plan on how you would like to approach the subject and remember that you are your child’s greatest influence for good, as well as their greatest advocate- a fact that will impact their future relationships, happiness and health.

[1] Moynihan, C. (2011, October 3). Kids want to hear about life and love from parents. Retrieved October 18, 2015.

Relationship Misconceptions

In Abstinence, Child Abuse, Child Development, Choice, Domestic Violence, Education, Families, Marriage, Sexual Freedom, Values on September 20, 2015 at 3:48 pm
Dr. John Van EppBy Jessica Westfall

Dr. John Van Epp puts an interesting twist on a well beloved and known fairy tale. Ellie was an orphan who was ignored and unloved by her step mother and sisters. She meets and marries a man in a very short time. This man had heaped praise and attention, something she has craved, on her. It is no wonder that Ellie, or Cinder-Ellie as her friends knew her, fell for this man. The prince, probably accustomed to pampering and somewhat spoiled, was looking for the perfect woman. In real life, men like that are usually self-centered, controlling, and verbally abusive, at the very least. Poor Cinderella was determined to find her perfect life but her ideals were so far out of reality (she sang to mice and unfairly worked all day, and sometimes night, without rebelling) that she probably looked over certain warning signals that Prince Charming was only charming when he got his way.

CinderellaI like the story of Cinderella, I do believe that good things will happen to good people, and meanness doesn’t pay well. However, Dr. Epp’s interpretation of this story does bring some interesting questions to light. Why did Cinderella believe happily ever after could happen with a stranger? Why did she think she could trust this man with a commitment of marriage after one date? Why was Prince Charming looking for that one perfect woman? I think it brings to light the most important question of all, why are there so many good people who are duped by jerks?

One easy answer is that good people see and expect good from others. They give the benefit of the doubt and forgive easily. Those are all great qualities for dating relationships and marriages, but only if what is given is reciprocated in kind. Dr. Epp has created a model that demonstrates the need for certain steps in getting to know a person and being smart about who to love, so that these wonderful traits won’t be wasted on less than wonderful partners.

Dr. Epp calls his model the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model). It’s important to note that this model is useful for marriages, but it works best for creating a relationship. In marriage, after the choice and commitment have been made, there is room for some fluctuation, but while getting to know someone it is important to follow this model precisely.

Imagine a light switch pad with dimmer switches, 5 of them in a row. Each of these switches can be raised and lowered independently of the others.  In a safe relationship building practice, each consecutive switch doesn’t move higher than the preceding one.RAM


From: http://byuiscroll.org/2015/06/26/author-advises-how-to-avoid-falling-in-love-with-a-jerk/

Starting with the far left dimmer switch we have the “know” spectrum. When two people first meet this switch is very low, but as time, disclosure (talking), and different situations are experienced together this switch rises. The next switch, the “trust” spectrum, should never rise higher than the “know”. Make sure the trust given to a potential dating partner (or any person for that matter) does not exceed how much is known about them (this “knowing” takes talking, experiences, and time). If “trust” is more than “know” the trust is not grounded in reality, it’s instead based on assumptions. The “rely” switch comes next. Why should a dating partner be relied on more than they are trusted? That leaves a lot of opportunity to be let down. The next switch covers “commitment”. Be careful to commit only after the person is well known, proven to be trustworthy, and has been reliable (again, the amount of time is crucial, Dr. Epp says it takes three months to start noticing bad behaviors). Commitment – like exclusive dating or marriage – is very important, but only after someone has proven themselves.

The last switch is touch, it is not safe to include the strong emotions and connections touch invokes without first knowing, trusting, relying, and committing to that special person. It’s impossible to be sure if a partner is really special, or just perceived as special without this process.  If each switch rises in order and stays balanced correctly, heartache is held at bay. This may seem a little intimidating, who wants to think about all this when falling in love? With this model and a little self control, falling in love with the right person is attainable, forgoing a lot of the heartache. This doesn’t mean dating won’t be fun. It’ll be like going on a road trip to visit the Grand Canyon, who has more fun? The person who has a detailed map of where to go, or the person who is just winging it (and probably lost)?

Hopefully Prince Charming was raised by parents that helped him understand his position afforded him pleasures few others had. Perhaps they taught him that his special position came with responsibilities, namely being a just and kind ruler. Hopefully that bled into his personal life. While we’re at it, hopefully Cinderella was able to magically, instantly get over years of abuse, heartache, and neglect with no lingering symptoms. It is important to remember that this miraculous ending would have been the exception, most fairy tales are, it is not the rule of most real relationship experiences. Thankfully, Dr. Epp has created this easy to understand model to help those looking for love make wise choices while dating so that they can find their happily ever after (disclaimer: there will be a lot of work, self-growth, effort, and forgiveness involved, but it’s worth it!).

From the book by John Van Epp, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind

Rethinking the Sexual Revolution

In Abstinence, Child Development, Choice, Cohabitation, Divorce, Families, Family Planning, father, Feminism, Freedom, Marriage, Population Control, Sexual Freedom, The Family, Values on September 17, 2015 at 6:00 am

couple in love 5by Tashica Jacobson

The term, sexual revolution, can bring about many different positions, feelings, and arguments, but what can readily be agreed upon is that it has drastically changed society. With any dramatic change of norms it is easy for individuals to get swept away in the changing tides rather than being intentional about life choices.

Because of these changes we now view sex and its role vastly different than how our grandparents viewed it. The sexual revolution started in the 1960’s and left the world forever changed. Birth control and the increased focus on individualism were some of the major catalysts. None of these are inherently wrong, but they did have many unforeseen effects on the family. All of these things are still affecting families today, and each of us has the opportunity to be intentional about how we let them affect our decisions and our family life.

The birth control pill was first introduced in the 1960’s and was soon followed by other popular means of contraceptives. While this was beneficial for many and allowed parents to plan their children, it also drastically changed the way that sex is viewed. No longer were sex, marriage, and children viewed as linked together. It separated sexual intimacy from child bearing and families, and as such cohabitation and divorce began to rise.

When the birth control was first made widely public a reader’s digest article read” Everyone knows what The Pill is. It is a small object — yet its potential effect upon our society may be even more devastating than the nuclear bomb”(PBS, 2001). And while dramatic, this statement hits to the point that this small, seemingly helpful pill could have wider effects than what was originally thought.

The rise in individualism also changed the way that families were perceived. In Marriage-Go Round Andrew Cherlin looks at this new idea of an individualized marriage. When describing this concept he states: “It is not incompatible with lifelong marriage, but it requires a new kind of marriage in which spouses are free to grow and change and in which each feels personally fulfilled. Such marriages are harder to keep together, because what matters is not merely the things they jointly produce—well-adjusted children, nice homes—but also each person’s own happiness” (p. 90) This growing individualism also leads spouses to divorce when their own happiness is not being met, leading to more family break ups.

The effects of the sexual revolution have become widespread and well known. Cohabitation, single mothers and fathers, promiscuity, divorce, and sex at younger ages all began to rise. 48% of all first births in the US are now born outside of marriage, and 49% of young adult females (age 20-24) cohabit. (Hymowitz, 2013)

So once again while these things have changed the world we do not blindly need to follow the trends they are setting. Birth control, helpful for fathers and mothers as they plan their families, also has the negative effect of pre-marital relationships and sexual promiscuity. Individual happiness and satisfaction of life while essential, is now taking on a life of its own and leading many to throw away good things. However these new societal trends can be slowed and even reversed as individuals make conscious decisions about what they mean to them and make intentional choices in regards to their families.

Works Cited

Cherlin, A. J., The Marriage-Go Round. 2009.

Hymowitz, K., Carroll, J.S., Wilcox, W. B., Kaye, K., Knot Yet: the Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage in America. (2013).

PBS. People & Events: The Pill and the Sexual Revolution. 2001

Don’t Let the Conversation Die

In Abortion, Abstinence, Bioethics, Child Abuse, Choice, Demographic Decline, Diane Robertson, Families, Human Rights, Media, motherhood, Planned Parenthood, Research, Sanctity of Life, Stem Cells, Values on September 16, 2015 at 7:33 am

abortion body partsby Diane Robertson

The 10th under cover video detailing how Planned Parenthood has been illegally selling aborted baby parts came out on Tuesday. Barely any media picked it up. It was not a trending item on Facebook, twitter, or any other social media source because hardly anyone cares.

No one cares that top executives are making millions on teaching and encouraging teens to have sex, then convincing girls and women to have abortions for their surprise, unwanted, or unplanned pregnancies, and then taking those babies killed by their doctors and selling their parts so scientists can use them for research.

Dr. Carolyn WeshoffIn the 10th video we see Dr. Carolyn Weshoff, Planned Parenthood’s senior medical adviser, discussing dividing up and selling the parts of aborted babies. She says the people she works with don’t want stem cells, but “particular tissues” like “cardiac” or “eyes” or “neural” or “spinal cords.” She laughs while saying the scientists and research companies even want the “gonads”.

A few other Planned Parenthood executives discuss how they need to be cautious. They know that selling aborted babies can “generate a fair amount of income” but worry that word getting out would be bad for Planned Parenthood. Vanessa Russo, an official with Planned Parenthood Keystone, openly says that she “won’t be bullied by ridiculous law” and that Planned Parenthood “shouldn’t curtail its business for ridiculousness”.

It’s sad. It’s degenerate. It’s says a lot about our nation and our society. Women freely sacrifice their children, usually to avoid embarrassment or inconvenience. And then, big executives sell the bodies of these unwanted babies to companies for scientific research. Another country did something similar several years ago, and nobody paid attention or tried to stop it. Not very many people are paying attention today, while many people are defending and promoting every step of this evil process.

Soon these videos will be done coming out. We must not forget what we have learned. We must not let this conversation die. Nearly 3,000 babies are aborted every day in the United States. 3,000 lives are snuffed out and sold for profit. Is this who we want to be? Is this a nation we are proud to be a part of? If not, then please, do not let the conversation die.

Speak Up for Family and Life

In Abortion, Abstinence, Child Development, Choice, Diane Robertson, Divorce, Families, father, Free Speech, Freedom, Marriage, Media, Parenting, Planned Parenthood, Prostitution, Sanctity of Life, Sexual Freedom, Technology, The Family, Values on August 26, 2015 at 8:47 am

Ashley Madisonby Diane Robertson

There’s this infamous company in Canada, Ashley Madison, which hosts a purportedly secret online dating service for people who are married or in a committed relationship. The company’s slogan is “Life is short. Have an affair.” Customers pay Ashley Madison to help them have extra marital affairs and one night stands.

On July 15th of this year hackers stole the company’s “secret” customer data—including email addresses, names, home addresses, sexual fantasies and credit card information. At the time, Hackers said they would release the information to the public if Ashley Madison did not permanently shut down. On July 22nd, the company released just the first names of the customers. When the company did not comply with the demands of the hackers, they released all of the information on Aug 18th.

The fall out has been huge with ordinary people to celebrities such as Josh Duggar being outed for cheating on their spouses.

The Toronto police department even reported that two people committed suicide because they were outed by the hackers. The Toronto police department blamed the hackers stating this would “not be tolerated”.

Normally, I agree that hacking is wrong. It’s typically used to gain access to personal information for financial gains. I feel like this situation is different. I agree with the hackers that the company is abominable. They make money while facilitating the breakup of marriages and families. I think justice has been served.

Most people are standing by the fact that hacking is illegal, and that what these hackers did was wrong because they have ruined millions of lives. I agree that hacking is illegal and should be. But I do not believe the hackers are responsible for ruining the lives of the adulterers. Rather, those committing adultery are responsible for ruining their own lives. They made conscious choices to do something they were very aware would harm their spouse, their children, and ultimately themselves.

I am going to speak as a Christian in an appeal to other Christians. I believe that as Christians it is imperative for us to recognize what is wrong and damaging to families and to society and call it out. We need to make judgments so that we can understand what is good and what is bad. Sadly, as a society we have been bullied into a place where we won’t say something is right or wrong because it might hurt someone’s feelings. We cower at the being called names, and our unwillingness to face the criticism of those calling us judgmental or bigoted or hateful has led to a whole host of societal ills.

Ashley Madison would not exist if there weren’t enough corrupt people willing to pay for it. Companies can only exist if there is enough of a market to be profitable. Along the same lines, Planned Parenthood and abortion clinics wouldn’t exist if there weren’t so many mothers and fathers willing to sacrifice the very life of their children for the sake of lust and convenience.

I look around me and see that as a society we have given our compassion to the people selfishly destroying life and family instead of those who have had their lives and families destroyed. The people who need our compassion are the husbands and wives whose marriages have been shattered by infidelity, the sons and daughters who are left without a mother or a father because of the resulting divorce, and the babies that never breathed because their parents did not want them.

Just 60 years ago, compassion was given to the real victims and as a result more people considered the consequences before breaking apart their families or taking the lives of their unborn children. The pressure to live a chaste life meant that life and family were cherished. Now, individual choice is cherished, and life and family are discarded.

To Christians, I say, make a choice. Is what we say and how we judge saving lives and strengthening families, or is it promoting (quietly or openly) the destruction of life and the breakdown of families? Those who hacked into the Ashley Madison website, may have committed a crime, but they also made an important statement about marriage and family. They stood up for love and fidelity. We can to, and we don’t even need to break the law to do so. We just need to speak.

Focus on the Next Generation

In Abstinence, Child Development, Choice, Drug Use, Families, father, Free Speech, Freedom, Grandparents, Marriage, motherhood, Parental Rights, Parenting, Sex Education, Sexual Freedom, The Family, Values on August 24, 2015 at 1:27 pm

couple in love 3by Erin Weist

I have four boys. Four wonderful, mischievous, wrestling, tumbling, occasionally smelly little boys. Someday they will be young men. Then they will go on to become men. I burst with pride at this thought, hoping with all my heart they become valiant, courageous, faithful, hard-working, responsible men. I think of this when I hear neighborhood reports of vulgar vandalism by boys as young as 12. I think of this when I read studies about boys near that same age who are addicted to hard-core porn. I worry for my boys and I worry for my daughter that these are the men she has to choose from as a potential spouse. I want my boys to be good men that someone else can entrust their daughter to and I want to entrust my daughter to a good man who will love her.

I spoke with my 97 year old grandmother this week. I told her I wanted to give my boys advice about how to treat a lady. I told her I thought a lot of those worthy traditions had been lost and that “old-fashioned” was considered a bad word. I loved hearing her stories when she recounted how respectful my grandfather had always been. He opened doors for her. He helped her with her chair. His language in her presence was above reproach. When they were courting they hardly ever spent time alone. My grandmother’s parents thought my grandfather was of a lower class and wouldn’t allow them to see each other, so instead they met at my great-aunt’s house, always chaperoned and usually helping with household chores. On the few occasions they went out it was generally with another couple.

With a twinkle in her eye my grandmother recounted to me (for the umpteenth time) how she was coming down the stairs at their high school and my grandfather saw her for the first time. He leaned over to his buddy and said, “There’s the girl I’m going to marry.” There was no temptation to engage in sexual activity while they were dating because the goal they had in mind was marriage. They wanted to spend time getting to know each other and focusing on the future.

Encouraging marriage and holding it up as an ideal in our society is a way to decrease the social ills that come from sexual promiscuity. If you want to start a fight online just dare to mention abstinence as a valid form of birth control. It wasn’t an issue for my grandmother because there was no social pressure; there was no public demand for birth control for young girls; there was, instead, a focus of marriage and family.

I know we can’t romanticize earlier ages just because we want to think about the rosy things. My great-grandmother was forced to marry a man in his 30s when she was only 13 years old. Her life was frankly horrifying. But that mostly came from an unloving father who didn’t want to care for her. We have the same problem today in one form or another. Again, things are better when we focus on marriage and family.

Young men today: would you make different choices as a teenager if you were focused on one day becoming a husband & father? Young women: would you make different choices or be more selective of who you date, and HOW you date, if you were using it as a catalyst to someday becoming a wife & mother?

I understand that unwanted pregnancy is an epidemic, particularly among lower socio-economic classes. But rather than focus on picking up the broken pieces, putting band-aids on gushing wounds, our legislation, our public policy, our mission statement as communities and civic leaders should be to focus on marriage and families. Everybody wins when young men grow up to be responsible husbands & fathers. Everyone wins when young women are revered and protected as the next generation of wives & mothers. I’m working for that in my home and my community. Will you join me?

There’s Nothing Wrong With That Child

In Abortion, Abstinence, Child Development, Choice, date rape, Down Syndrome, Education, Families, Feminism, Freedom, Gender, Health Care, Homosexuality, motherhood, Planned Parenthood, Research, Sanctity of Life, Sex Selection Abortion, Sexual Freedom, Sexual Orientation, Single Mothers, Technology, Values on August 4, 2015 at 12:20 pm

babies crawlingby Holly Gardner

Readers, I’ve heard the arguments over and over again. “Woman’s right to choose,” “My body, my choice.” Well sister, (in most cases) you’ve already made your choice: when you made your baby. And it’s not just your body, it’s that absolutely innocent one you’re carrying as well who apparently deserves no consideration in the matter, and no right to choices. But I’m sure you’ve all heard this before.

I have a new perspective I’d like to share with you. Let me tell you a story.

My father works for a big company, with different co-workers every week, all from vastly different backgrounds and from all over the world. My dad also is a talkative, curious, intelligent man, and often engages in “thinker” discussions with his co-workers.

One particular day, his fellow employee was a younger woman of mixed heritage (half black, half white.) Let’s call her “Jane.” My dad said Jane was one of the best he’s ever worked with. He also said she was super liberal. While getting ready for the day, the topic of abortion came up, and my dad decided to tell Jane about a recent experience he had with a male gay co-worker.

This particular man (Let’s call him “John”) believes in a “woman’s right to choose.” He also believes abortions should be readily available. No questions asked, and no mandated education offered before such abortion. “It’s her choice, and I respect that.” Basically, she shouldn’t have to explain herself, and she shouldn’t have to be shown her options. If she wants it, there it is.

My dad then asked him, “Remember that time you also told me about how you were absolutely certain in genetic pre-disposition toward homosexuality? That science will one day discover that gay gene?”

“Yes . . .” he replied.

“Well,” my dad continued. “How would you feel if the medical community came up with a genetic fetal test, and expectant parents can test whether or not their unborn child is pre-disposed to homosexuality, and then women all over the country ask for abortions on those innocent ‘gay’ babies?”

“That’s just wrong,” he replied, horrified.  “There’s nothing wrong with that child.”

My dad just stared at him.

John paused, then said, “You set me up.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Well, honestly, I don’t know what to say.” John went on to admit that he had no idea how to reconcile his belief in a woman’s right to choose with his disgust at the idea of abortion because of genetic sexual pre-disposition. “Those parents would need to be educated on homosexuality. It’s not something to fear.”

My dad countered, “But you said no mandated education.”

A few weeks go by, and my dad runs into John in an airport terminal. “Hey! How are you?” he asks my dad with a handshake. “You know, I have to tell you something. My partner and I went on a vacation retreat with other liberal and gay couples. We’re all sitting around drinking coffee and I tell them about our conversation. The whole room was silent. None of us have an answer for you. Our beliefs can’t be reconciled.”

Back to the morning where my dad and Jane are preparing for their day. My dad finishes up his story about his conversations with John. She says how angry and horrified she is over the thought of abortions because of sexuality, and then adds her own anger at abortions over mixed-ethnic parentage. “It is offensive,” she practically spits out. She also admits that her belief in a woman’s right to choose, no questions asked, cannot be reconciled with this thought.

“Abortions because of sexuality? Because of a probable color of the babies skin? There’s nothing wrong with that child,” he said.

“It is offensive,” she said.

“What about the sweet babies aborted because of genetic disorders such as down syndrome or trisomy 18? There’s nothing wrong with that child,” he said.

“It is offensive,” she said.

“What about babies aborted because of their gender?There’s nothing wrong with that child,” he said.

“It is offensive,” she said.

“What about babies aborted because of fear of social stigma or family backlash? Because of lack of money or support? What about babies aborted because their mother is scared, and abortion is an abstract solution in a mind that doesn’t want to know how it actually happens?There’s nothing wrong with that child,” he said.

“It is offensive,” she said.

“What about babies aborted because of a woman’s desire to keep her body the way it is, or for no other reason than convenience? There’s nothing wrong with that child,” he said.

“It is offensive,” she said.

There was also nothing wrong with the millions of babies that have been aborted already.

So when do our unborn children get the protection they deserve? When do our expectant mothers get the educational resources they need? When do our pre-teens and teenagers get the sexual education that includes how their young brains work and hormones and reactions (and those of their partners!) so they can make better choices “in the heat of the moment?” So they can choose to avoid “the heat of the moment” all together? So abstinence suddenly makes much more sense to them? Absolutely there are cases of rape, incest, and abuse which do indeed take these choices away from women. I’m not here saying there isn’t.

Readers, why can’t the sympathy and outrage for Cecil the Lion’s murder apply to murdered and dismembered unborn children?

“There’s nothing wrong with that child,” he said.

“It is offensive,” she said.

Just a thought.

A Letter to my Children: Please Choose Marriage

In Abstinence, Child Development, Choice, Cohabitation, Education, Families, father, Marriage, Media, motherhood, Parenting, Sexual Freedom, The Family, Values on August 3, 2015 at 8:01 am

writing a letterby Erin Weist

Someday I hope my children make it a priority to get married. I know it will only get harder to keep the traditions of family-building alive, rampant as societies are with self-serving choices. I wanted to write a letter in hopes of expressing to them why I think marriage is important and why I hope they choose this path when the time comes.

My dear sweet babies,

I know you will only be babies for a little while. I know when this letter becomes really pertinent to your life you will be grown and moving into adulthood. I hope you are happy. You can do this by making choices that lead to overall happiness. Unfortunately the world around you is full of sophistries that try to lie about ways you will be happy. These ways are generally self-serving and focus on immediate pleasures rather than true, long-term happiness. One of the things that I truly hope for your futures is that you make it a priority to find a good spouse and create a family together.

Many voices around the world say that marriage isn’t important, that it is too binding, that people need to be free, that relationships should be fluid. Please don’t listen. Your mother (who loves you more than you will know until you have your own children) begs you to turn away from these ideas. Marrying your father was the best decision I’ve ever made and has brought me some of the single greatest blessings in this life—especially all of you! Many people will also say that you don’t need a spouse to have children, that you can co-habitate with multiple partners of any gender at any given time, even simultaneously. Again, please don’t heed these selfish lures. They may tout happiness and freedom but they are meant only to ensnare and enslave. Women & men were made to be together—mating for life, as it were! When you follow the ends of these purposes you will find happiness!

I love your dad so much and I know he loves me, but these are only words. Real love also comes through actions, not immediate pleasure. It’s the support of one another through difficult choices or trials. It’s encouraging each other to set lofty goals, both individually and as a couple, and seeing it through in attaining those goals. It’s intimacy on a much deeper level than can be found anywhere else. It’s putting the needs of another human ABOVE your own. This will be preparation for becoming a mother or father to your own children.

As an example, while writing this letter I have been interrupted several times by one of you when it is way past bedtime (no, I won’t tell you who) and each time I have been stern and annoyed at the disruption. Finally when it came to tears I realized that I wasn’t practicing what I preached—putting someone else’s needs above my own. So I asked my sweet child, “what do you need?” The reply, “a hug,” was a sweet reminder of the lessons I’ve learned as a mother about selflessness and how those actions truly bring peace and happiness. Now he is in bed and we are both filled.

Family life may not be the only place to learn these important lessons but it is specially created to be the most intensive course in learning and joy that we can ever have. I want the best for all of you, I hope you want the best for yourself and never settle for any counterfeit. I hope your father & I present to you a positive image about the joy & benefits of marriage and that you’ll want that life for yourself. We love each other and we love you. Don’t ever settle for anything less yourself.

Love, mom.

Do Parents Matter?

In Abstinence, Child Development, Cohabitation, Courts, Families, father, Freedom, Government, Marriage, Parenting, Same-Sex Marriage, Sexual Freedom, Single Mothers, Supreme Court, The Family, Values on July 31, 2015 at 11:21 am
parents with adult sonby Mekelle Tenney
Do children need both mom and dad? This has become a very controversial question. Do children do best in a home where both the mom and dad are actively involved in their child’s life? This question has been brought up several times in the debate on same sex marriage. However this concern has been dismissed in most cases based on the lack of evidence to support the claim that children do best with both a mother and father. Due to the fact that same sex marriage is a fairly new concept in America it is safe to say that perhaps that is true. We don’t have enough data on same sex couples to conduct the proper research, at least here in America. However the question of needing a mom and a dad has been asked long before the same sex marriage debate came around. Society has been dealing with the effects of the broken family long before this issue came up.
The state of the family in America.
Currently 40.6% of  babies born in the United States are born to unwed mothers
According to the US Census one in three American children grow up without a father present in the home.
Divorce rate in America is between 40% and 50%.
Over 40% of cohabiting couples have children.
48% of women cohabitate with their spouse or partner before they marry.
What difference does it make?
The following are just a few of many findings surrounding parenting and child development.
Toddlers with involved fathers are better problem solvers and have higher IQs by age three.
Children with involved fathers are 43% more likely to have mostly all A’s in school.
Children with involved fathers are 33% less likely to repeat a grade.
 Girls with involved fathers have higher self-esteem and are less likely to become pregnant as a teenager.
Studies show that by 8 weeks of age infants can notice the difference between a male and female interacting with them.
Fathers encourage competition while mothers encourage equity. Many psychologists believe that it is dangerous to have only one of those parenting styles. In order for a child to develop healthy socially as well as mentally they need both parenting styles.
Psychologists have also found that mothers and fathers communicate differently with their children. They have also found that children need both forms of communication for healthy social development.
Mothers naturally care for and nurture their children while fathers tend to play and interact. Again, both are needed in a child’s development.
What now?
With the legalization of same sex marriage The number of children without mothers or fathers in the home will continue to increase. The social science surrounding the issue of child development and the need for both male and female influence will continue to be ignored. And the children are the ones who will pay the price. What a selfish generation we have become.
Continue to support the family!
Though the statistics shared earlier about the state of the family may seem very discouraging it is important for us to remember that the family still needs advocates. Though we lost the battle on marriage there are still many other battles to fight and our involvement is critical. We must continue to stand for the family, be aware of what goes on in congress and how it affects the institution of the family, be informed, and speak up! The family needs you and your voice.

More than two Parents: Not so New and Not so Enlightened

In Abstinence, adoption, Child Development, Choice, Cohabitation, Courts, Diane Robertson, Families, father, Feminism, Free Speech, Freedom, Government, Marriage, Parental Rights, Sexual Freedom, The Family, Values on July 29, 2015 at 3:10 pm

child 3by Diane Robertson

In 2013 California made it legally possible for children to have more than two parents. More states will surely follow suit. The diversity-in-family-structure-loving-liberals think this is enlightened. They’re working hard to bring society out of the dark ages of Married mother and father families into the “Brave New World” of many parents.

Except this idea isn’t so brave and isn’t so new. Some children have already had a similar experience through divorce and they are speaking outThe Ruth Institute is collecting stories from children of divorce. As it turns out divorced couples, remarried couples, step families, broken families, and shared custody don’t actually feel so enlightened to the children who grew up in these situations.

One such personal story, told by Jennifer Johnson, illustrates what it actually feels like growing up with 5 parents. Johnson’s parents divorced when she was about three. Her mother remarried once and her father remarried twice. Johnson explains what her life was like growing up with five parents:

“it means going back and forth between all those households on a regular basis, never having a single place to call home during your most tender and vulnerable years. It means having divided Christmases, other holidays, and birthdays–you spend one with one parent, and another with the other parent, never spending a single holiday or birthday with both parents. Imagine having each of your parents completely ignore the other half of you, the other half of your family, as if it did not even exist. Meanwhile, imagine each parent pouring their energy into their new families and creating a unified home for their new children. These experiences give you the definite impression of being something leftover, something not quite part of them. You live like that on a daily basis for 18+ years.”

So why would so many adults push for this type of family brokenness and even make it possible for many adults to have legal control over a child? It’s called selfishness. Adults want this so they can have children and have sex with whoever they please and at whatever stage of life they wish. They want this sort of life legal so their partner can make medical and educational decisions for their children. They want convenience for themselves, but not their children.

Johnson writes about a woman, Masha Gessen, a prominent LGBT activist, who grew up with a married mother and father and speaks frankly about how her children have 5 parents. Gessen bemoans the fact that there, as yet, isn’t a way for her children to have all of their parents legally:

“I have three kids who have five parents, more or less, and I don’t see why they shouldn’t have five parents legally… I would like to live in a legal system that is capable of reflecting that reality, and I don’t think that’s compatible with the institution of marriage.”

Johnson’s replies to Gessen simply calling out the truth of the matter:

“If what I had is so great, then why don’t they want it as children? Here’s my conclusion: they want it as adults but not as children. They want the benefits of the socially conservative family structure when they are children. But as adults, they want sexual freedom, or at least they want to appear ‘open minded’ and ‘tolerant’ about others sexual choices, even at the expense of children, even though they themselves would never want to live under what they advocate. It’s a bizarre sort of a ‘win-win’ for them, I guess.”

Children don’t need more than two legal parents. Society doesn’t need diversity in family structure. All children and all of society needs responsible adults who marry before having children, work daily on a loving relationship and together raise their children in stable, happy homes. It can be done and would be the source of a truly “enlightened” society!


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 160 other followers