11 Mistakes Parents make With Teenagers

Raging hormones, misunderstandings, raised voices, restrictions and curfews come to mind for many when they hear the phrase “teen discipline.”  But wouldn’t you rather think of respect, transitioning into adulthood, rational discussions and reasonable behavior?

The recipe for raising children requires a delicate balance of authority and love.  And, with teens, that balance becomes even more precarious.  How can you discipline your teen without destroying your relationship?

Elizabeth Harrell surveyed teens in Charleston, S.C., to find out what they thought were the biggest mistakes parents make when disciplining their teenagers.  Here were the top two:

1. Lack of consistency – While all children need consistent discipline, it’s even more important for teens. They get frustrated when a behavior is acceptable one day and not acceptable the next. The established rules need specific consequences. Realistic and consistent consequences demonstrate a “real world” view for teens. Creating house rules with consequences, then responding appropriately, provides all children with security and direction.

2. Not listening – Parents want to be respected but don’t always return that respect by listening to their teenager. Not listening to your teen expresses that you don’t feel he has anything valuable to say. Even when disagreeing, teens should be given time to express their feelings and thoughts. This shouldn’t give a teen the right to be ugly or behave inappropriately, of course. Modeling and developing guidelines for how argumentative ideas should be expressed is essential. If you want to be heard, learn to listen.

What other mistakes do parents make, according to teens, when disciplining their children?

3. Punishing in anger – Angel, 16, says she “just shuts down” when her father gets angry and starts yelling. Sometimes parents only punish once they have reached the end of their patience. In reality, this allows teens to misbehave for a period of time before suffering any consequences. Not only is this confusing, it can also lead to abuse. Dealing with a teenager emotionally often produces dramatic immediate effects, but ultimately it creates a communication wall in the relationship. Consistent parenting, as described above, prevents punishing in anger. Stepping away from the situation to recover emotionally also proves helpful.

4. Irrelevant punishment – Whenever possible, the punishment should be reflective of wrongdoing. For example, if a teen returns home after curfew, limiting his nights out temporarily would be appropriate. A teen that doesn’t complete school work might be required to miss a social event to complete the work. If the teen misses the social event as a punishment, but doesn’t actually do school work, the consequences don’t make sense and just seem spiteful.

5. Accepting any behavior because of age – While it is a scientific fact that teens undergo traumatic emotional and physical changes, that fact should not be an excuse to be allowed to behave inappropriately. Often, teens who are allowed to behave badly do not grow out of that behavior as adults. Character is character at any age. Behavioral expectations should be related to what is right, not the age of the child.

6. Using guilt rather than reason – Guilt may create an immediate response, but this style of discipline actually promotes internal emotional issues for teens that may not be dealt with until adulthood, if ever. Reasoning with a teenager, providing a basis for your expectations and consequences, does not always evoke an immediate response, but the long-term results are typically more positive.

7. Being a friend rather than a parent – Teens usually have more than enough social outlets. They need boundaries and safe, secure situations in which to grow. You are the provider of both, and when you act like a friend, your teen will lose security. Teens who view their parents as authority figures and providers are more likely to be close to them in adulthood. Despite what appearances might suggest, teens do not respect parents who behave like teens. Relating to your teen, based on your own experiences, can be a successful method of working through challenging situations, but at no time should you lose your parent status.

8. Attack the person rather than the behavior – It’s essential to make sure your teen knows that you love him despite anything he does. Even greater, you love him enough to not let him develop behaviors that may be harmful to him or anyone else. Direct your criticisms and comments at the behavior, not the teen.

If your teen fails a course due to lack of effort, don’t use phrases like “You’re lazy” or “You’ll never do well because you don’t try.” While you may even feel that these thoughts are accurate at the time, they only condemn and don’t solve the real issue. Focus on the behavior that created the problem such as not studying or not asking for needed help. Be sure to express that you’re not only confident that the behavior can change, but you’re expecting it to change. Then work together on specific restrictions and actions that need to take place for the behavior to improve.

9. You become the enemy – At times, you may feel like the enemy, and your teenager might actually refer to you as such. No matter how hurt you may feel, it’s important to remain the one person who consistently stands by your teenager. Friends and teachers will come and go. You will always be the parent. By establishing rules and consequences, you’re the one person in your teen’s life that holds him accountable no matter what. Even if we don’t like authority figures in our lives, they typically establish order and security.

10. Lose your sense of humor – It’s not funny when your teenager messes up, particularly when you’re left to clean up the mess. Losing your sense of humor won’t help.

It may not seem funny at the time, but most challenging situations can eventually be viewed in a comical way.  If your teen feels comfortable laughing and joking with you regularly, he’ll also be more likely to listen when you get serious. John Paul, 14, said, “I use humor to deal with a lot of situations. It’s better to laugh than to get angry.”

11. Stopping your teen from failing at all costs – Some of life’s greatest lessons result from failing. Parents who micromanage their teens because they are afraid of their teen failing prevent their child from developing important life skills. As much as you don’t want to have to discipline your teen, letting him fail and living with the consequences can teach him more than your chosen punishment.

Several teens expressed that they want their parents to be parents. When the roles in the household become skewed, confusion and chaos soon follow. Teenagers with younger siblings tended to feel that their parents maintained their essential roles, while the youngest children and only children found their parents more likely to blur the lines between friend and parent.

 

 

 

 

Choose a Motto, Change a Life

Thoughts from a young mother

Several years ago while in nursing school, I had a professor teach a class on positive affirmations.  She had been struggling with fibromyalgia for years and found herself unable to get up from her bed.  In trying to combat the disease (there was not much research out there at the time) she came across literature about the astounding impact that positive affirmations had on people.  She decided to try this approach and came up with an affirmation for herself.   She wrote it at night several times in a notebook; she would repeat it in her mind; and she would drag herself to the mirror every day and verbally repeat it while smiling in the mirror.  Within years, she found herself back in school and then teaching at a major university.*** She was a favorite among all the nursing students at our university.

I have continually reflected on this professor’s words and the ideas that she shared. Almost 10 years later, I am using the idea of positive affirmations in my children’s lives.

I first decided to do this because I heard a friend say to a child that was complaining, “We are Smiths, we can do hard things.”  I loved it and found out that it was their family motto.  I decided to add on to it for my family, “I’m a Jones, I can do hard things and be happy about it.”  I love having this motto because if there is complaining about chores, going somewhere they do not want to go, or anything else that is out of their comfort zone, I repeat our motto of being happy while doing hard things.  My friend who is currently going through a divorce and worried about her children has added on, “We are Smiths, we can do hard things and be happy about it because we stick together.”  One night while her son was crying, she and he were talking and she was able to say, “We can do hard things because we stick together.”

I believe that it is important to learn to do hard things and find the joy in every situation. (Yes, I am one of those people.)  I learned the value and joy of doing hard work and chores from my mother.  With this value instilled at an early age, I applied it to myself in college and earned an academic scholarship by doing the “hard things” and finding the joy and satisfaction of earning good grades.  Confidence accompanies this principle and makes life enjoyable.

While I am naturally outgoing, my eldest daughter is quite shy.  I researched this topic and found most children grow out of this if handled in the right way.  However, I was concerned about the qualities and attributes that I wanted to instill in my children.  I wanted these attributes on the forefront of my mind as well as theirs.  So I sat down and came up with a list.  I had to write it down because it was somewhat long but here is what I came up with.

“I am confident, strong, happy, healthy, intelligent, a leader, kind, beautiful, obedient, and I am blessed when I choose the right.”

These were attributes that I wanted my children to possess.  We started saying this phrase that same night.  It has now become our routine that after scripture study and before family prayer each night, we repeat the above motto and follow-up with “I’m a Jones, I can do hard things and be happy about it.”  Has it worked?  I will let you know in 15 years but I do know that they go to bed and wake up with those great qualities floating around their heads.

As a side note, we have had several children stay overnight at our home while their parents have been away or attending to emergency situations.  I have heard from all of their parents comments like, “What is that thing you say with your kids?  My kids want to say it.”  Another mother said to me, “We had to come up with our own motto because we are not Jones, we need our own slogan.”  I believe the children love having something that provides purpose to them as individuals as well as a family.

Recently, I went to the movies with friends and watched, “The Help.”  I loved the nanny that told the little girl, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” What a wonderful thing for all children to have–something to combat the ugliness, the unkindness the world can sometimes bring into their lives.  We have all experienced the pressures and the critical barbs of people in this world.  As a mother who worries about my own abilities to be the best mother I can be—I feel that I was inspired to use the tool of positive affirmations.

I will always be grateful to my professor who shared her experience and research on the value of positive affirmations.  Funny thing, just last week I was thinking about how much I have grown in the past few years.  I literally thought, “I am so much more confident than I used to be.”  I wonder if that has anything to do with saying my children’s positive affirmation several times a day?

*** (I am not suggesting that fibromyalgia is cured by positive affirmations.   There were a lot more details to my professor’s story.  I just touched on the part that really impacted me.)

Parenting is NOT for the Faint Hearted

By Rachel Allison

Several years ago one of our sons was going through a difficult stage that stretched our patience and parenting skills.  Our son was sixteen and determined to have his freedom and his way.  He was beginning to understand the art of manipulation and he was determined to make the most of it.

I was blind sided by it at first, but it didn’t take me long to recognize what he was trying to do.  After many discussions that often frustrated us both, my comeback was…”I am the dog.   You are the tail…the tail doesn’t wag the dog.”  He HATED my saying it, but he understood the message.

According to Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell in their book “Living in the Age of Entitlement, the Narcissism Epidemic,”

 “It is increasingly common to see parents relinquishing authority to young children, showering them with unearned praise, protecting them from their teacher’s criticisms, giving them expensive automobiles and allowing them to have freedom but not the responsibility that goes with it.  Not that long ago, kids knew who the boss was—and it wasn’t them.  It was Mom and Dad.  Mom and Dad weren’t your “friends.”  They were your parents.”

Then, Twenge and Campbell get at one of the true causes of entitlement:

 The sea change in parenting is driven by the core cultural value of self-admiration and positive feelings.  Parents want their kids’ approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents’ approval.”

My husband and I well remember the Sunday morning when this son announced that he was not going to church with the family.

This is what our family does every Sunday morning, and my husband and I left his bedroom to talk about what our reaction should be to his defiance.

We determined that we would calmly explain that if he wanted to come home from church and sleep the rest of the day, we were fine with that, but he was a part of our family and we expected him to attend church with us.  He argued, but we were persistent, and we were grateful when he climbed out of bed and grudgingly got ready for church.

That week he announced that he was going to move in with a friend’s family.  Again my husband and I conferred on just how to respond.

My husband started asking questions.  How will this family feel about your going to their refrigerator every time you get hungry?  Will this family let you use their car every time you want to drive somewhere? (My husband and I are firm believers in our teenagers driving one of the family cars…NOT having a car of their own.)  Even recognizing how uncomfortable he would be in that situation, our son held firm.  So my husband calmly explained that until he turned eighteen, we have every right to petition the courts for a restraining order against this friend and his family.  Could or would we have done this…I don’t know.  I just know that our son understood that we wanted him in our home and that we would do everything within our power to keep him.

The following Sunday was another battle as to whether he would or would not attend church with the family.  Again, we were calm but firm.  And again he attended church with the family.

I don’t know what was going on with this son and his resolve to defy authority, but after the second week he never argued with us again about attending church, and he never again brought up the subject of moving out.

Did our rules change to accommodate him?  No.  Did we show continued love, acceptance and support?  Yes, just like always.

I often wonder what would have happened if we had given in to his demands, and allowed his manipulation to continue.  No one knows, but years later he wrote the sweetest letter, thanking us for holding firm and guiding him through those difficult times.

The kicker?  Shortly after this same son was married, he and his wife were visiting in our home.  I can’t remember the conversation, but I do remember at one point our son saying to his wife, “I am the dog.  You are the tail.  The tail doesn’t wag the dog.” He winked at me and laughed as his wife gave him a loving shove.