“Parents, You Cannot Afford to be Tired”

Kristi Kane

Several years ago, I heard a wise man proclaim to an audience of parents, “Parents, you cannot afford to be tired.” His statement surprised me. I asked myself, “What’s he talking about!?  As a parent, I am almost always tired.”   His statement is true though.  Parents never do or should “clock out.” Once they bring a child into their home, they are that child’s parent, 24/7. They are responsible for that child and his/her welfare until the day they die.

As a girl, I always believed that my Mom and Dad would be my parents until I was 18, and then I wouldn’t need them anymore.  Ironically, I needed them not as much, but more, once I turned 18.  Life became more and more challenging and I would often turn to my parents to vent fear or frustration and to seek out their assurance and advice.  I cultivated a deep and trusting relationship with my parents as a young girl because my parents did everything in their power to cultivate a close and trusting relationship with me.

As a young girl, my Mom willingly let me make the worst kind of messes in her kitchen because I wanted to learn to cook. She recognized that it was important for me to learn how to cook, so she would give me tips on cooking and even help me clean up the kitchen once my “experiments” were over. My mother also taught me the importance of keeping things clean and taught me how to clean.  She even coined the phrase, “A clean home is cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter.” (To this day, I believe she is 100% correct about that.)

My mother also had what she called “The Star Chart” for my brother and me. If we cleaned our room, or did a special favor (like brushing mom’s hair), or practicing piano for the day, we got a star on our chart. Twenty stars equaled a new game or toy or $10. You wouldn’t believe how many times my brother and I chose a game over the $10.  Monopoly was our favorite. That’s how we spent almost all of our free time – playing games.

My Dad taught me the importance of family time. Even though he worked long hours, he would always make time for our family. We would go up to the mountains, go fishing, go on a picnic, go to our local theater to see a play, or we would simply take a walk or take a bike ride. When I was 12, when the cattiness of girls really starts coming out, my Mom was there to listen to me cry. My Dad would take me on Daddy/Daughter dates. As the years grew, my relationship with them only strengthened. They were loving, devoted examples to me as a child, and now they are loving and devoted examples to me as an adult.

Now I’m the Parent

With my own children I have realized the importance of quality time that often comes only with large amounts of quantity time. When my children were little, they often accompanied me everywhere I went (even the bathroom), the way little ducklings follow the Mother duck. I would listen to hours of their sweet little prattling as I built puzzles or forts with them. I would listen to their slow, steady rhythmic breathing as they fell asleep during story time, and caress their precious fingers and trace the outline of their faces as I kissed them good night just one more time.

Now that my children are older, our relationship has changed. They stopped wanting to follow me into the bathroom years ago, they don’t want me to read children’s books to them anymore, but they crave the affection and attention that my husband and I give them in different ways. They like to talk to us, and I’m glad they do. That’s the only way we know whether they are happy or sad, and the only way we know what’s going on in their lives. We attend their extracurricular activities, and spend one on one time with them. My hope is that once they hit 18, they’ll realize they still need us.

Be at the “crossroads” in the lives of  your children.   Be there when they are making important decisions in their lives or even not so important decisions.   I love being home when my children walk in the door from school. The look on their faces tells me everything I need to know about their day. I love dinner time, when we catch up on the events of the day. Sometimes not all of us are together at dinner, but we are always together at breakfast, and those are cherished memories that I’m glad we’re still making.

Here is a great quote on “Motherhood.”   But as you read it, think “Fathers,” because it certainly applies to them as well!

 “Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother’s image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child’s mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world.” – David O. McKay

 

 

The TV Trap

Nicole Huckbody & Whitney Trudo

Statistics show that 99 percent of American households have at least one television set in their home, and 66 percent of those homes have three or more television sets.  Statistics go on to show that when four to six year-old children were asked whether they preferred to spend time with a family member or watching TV, over half of the children chose watching TV.

TV Now and Then…

Growing up, free time was considered family time and was spent working side-by-side, playing games, and enjoying talking with one another about the events of everyday life.  Through these interactions and the quality time that was spent together, we were able to build friendships and close bonds with our family members that are still strong to this day.

In contrast, too many children today are spending more time with the television than with those they live with. Oftentimes, the amount of time spent in front of the television is not always determined by the child.   A parent utilizing the TV as a babysitter is all too common.  A TV can be a useful tool, but it shouldn’t take the place of an engaged parent.   When children are spending all this time in front of the television instead of interacting with their parents, they aren’t learning important life lessons and strong family relationships are certainly being sacrificed.

TV and Conflict

Television not only takes away from building relationships, but it also hinders and causes conflict within existing relationships. For example, multiple people may want to use the television at the same time resulting in arguments over what show to watch and the duration of viewing time. Also, the noise levels created by the television can prevent important conversations from taking place, take away from personal quiet, reflection time, and cause distractions from daily activities such as chores and homework[i].

TV and Lack of Communication

Poor communication within the family can lead to “…excessive family conflict, ineffective problem solving…and weak emotional bonds.”

Sitting down as a family to watch television can “bring you together,” but, individually, each family member’s attention is focused away from the family as a group and is centered instead on the television screen. In general, talking is taboo while watching television. If one were to pose a question or make a statement during a show, those around would instantly hush the individual and insist that he or she wait for a commercial break or the end of the movie to speak.

Communication is a vital component of developing and maintaining relationships between family members. When family members are discouraged from speaking at any time, feelings of rejection can result, and future conversations may never take place because of a fear of others not caring to listen or show interest in what someone has to say.

Studies show that family interactions and relations, daily chores, and other social exchanges or events are the most common activities that suffer as a result of excessive media use[ii].

Building Communication in a Family

Researchers have found a strong connection between communication patterns and relationship satisfaction within a family.  Communication within a family can build bonds of trust, unite family members on common goals, and build self-efficacy.  Family members are more likely to forgive one another and show respect to each other when there is open communication patterns within a family.

The following are ways a family can work on building communication:

• Communicate often: Make and set aside time to spend with your family. Talk over what each family member did during his or her day. Time spent in front of the TV could be swapped for time together around the dinner table.  Don’t waste that time spent traveling in a car or tucking your child into bed; use it to have meaningful conversation.
• Communicate clearly and directly: It’s crucial to speak clearly in order to avoid miscommunication and hurt feelings. This is especially important when working to resolve conflict.  Using “…indirect and vague communication will not only fail to resolve problems, but will also contribute to a lack of…emotional bonding between family members.”
• Listen: Communication is a two-way street. When we talk with family members, it is important to listen and seek to understand what the other person is trying to tell us. Listening also shows respect for the other person and makes him or her feel validated and important.
• Remember who you’re talking with: Not all people communicate in the same way. Children talk and understand differently than teens and adults.  Adjust the way we talk to fit the skills of the person we are talking with.

Make it a priority to find ways to have meaningful conversation and truly communicate with your loved ones. It has to be a priority or it probably won’t happen.

Conclusion

On average, Americans watch more than 4 hours of TV every day. According to that statistic, if one were to look at the life of a 65-year-old, he would have spent around nine years of his life up to that point in front of the TV! Today we live in a society that is full of distractions, don’t add more by allowing the TV to consume large blocks of your time. Television viewing can create conflict, and takes away quality time that could be spent with loved ones.

Urie Bronfenbrenner, a family scientist, once stated, “The family is the most powerful, the most humane, and by far the most economical system known for building competence and character.” As families, let us strive to work together to build these kind of relationships with each other through positive communication and quality time spend together. We need to turn off the TV and cherish the moments we have with those that are around us.

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[i] Rosenblatt, P. C., & Cunningham, M. R. (1976). Television watching and family tensions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 38(1), 105-111.

 

[ii] Chory, R. M., & Banfield, S. (2009). Media dependence and relational maintenance in interpersonal relationships. Communication Reports, 22(1), 41-53.

Whitney Trudo and Trudy Huckbody are both Child Development majors at Brigham Young University Idaho.

 

Do Your Children Belong to the Community?

Diane Robertson

Babies are born needing to belong. Children born to a mother or father who do not want them, neglect them, abuse them, or do not attach to them, often suffer from attachment disorder causing problems throughout their lives. Given this fact, it shouldn’t be surprising that some people feel alarmed when a MSNBC news anchor, Melissa Harris-Perry declared:

We have never invested as much in public education as we should have because we’ve always had a private notion of children; your kid is yours and totally your responsibility. We haven’t had a very collective notion of these are our children.

So part of it is we have to break through our kind of private idea that kids belong to their parents or kids belong to their families and recognize that kids belong to whole communities.

MSNBC, one of the largest corporations in America, has clearly gone along with the idea. The wording is deceitful enough for a lot of people to believe the idea refers solely to education. Even if the reference is just about educational decisions being made solely by the community/government, I would think teachers would be more alarmed rather than on board with the idea. The most frequent complaint heard from educators is that parents aren’t involved enough in their children’s education. Do they really want the community/government to be the sole decision makers in education? Most teachers would tell you that parents matter. They matter a lot. The better students are the ones that have the most support from their parents.

Can the “community” really make ideal individual decisions for children better than the parents can?

Imagine a society in which parents believed their children and the responsibility of raising their children did not belong to them. You should be imagining a community full of individuals with attachment disorder. Children belong to their parents and their families. Children have an innate need to belong to their parents. When attachment and sense of belonging is broken, the children cannot function appropriately in society.

MSNBC should consider the societal affects before promoting an idea that would detach parents from children and children from parents. One-size-fits-all decisions from community/government are not better for the education of children than individual caring decisions made by people who love their children. To educators and other government employees, children are primarily a paycheck. To parents and family children are integral part of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It isn’t Because Guys Aren’t Smart

Ann Bailey

As new college coeds get ready to start school, chances are they’re going to notice that there are fewer men in their classes.  In fact, the discrepancy stands at about 57 percent women to 43 percent men.   Women began to exceed men in college enrollment in the early 1980s and that shows no signs of changing.  So what’s the deal?  Guys not smart enough to get in and then handle the rigor of college?

Researchers are telling us that the discrepancy may not be about lack of intellectual prowess or lack of academic ability, but about the kind of home guys grew up in.  Growing up in a home headed by an unwed mother or divorced mother places boys at a significant disadvantage in academic pursuits and that disadvantage manifests itself at the earliest stages of development.

Economists from the University of Chicago and the National University of Singapore focused their research on “non-cognitive deficiencies” and found a statistically significant relationship between school suspension and the likelihood of graduating from high school, attending college and going on to earn a bachelor’s degree.

Seems that “non-cognitive deficiencies” associated with school suspension are significantly more common among boys than among girls.  Boys were more likely to engage in disruptive and acting-out behaviors such as aggression and delinquency.   Not particularly surprising.

But here’s where the family breakdown component makes itself known.

Family structure is an important correlate of boys’ behavior deficit. Boys that are raised outside of a traditional family (with two biological parents present) fare especially poorly. For example, the gender gap in externalizing problems when the children are in fifth grade is nearly twice as large for children raised by single mothers compared to children raised in traditional families. By eighth grade, the gender gap in school suspension is close to 25 percentage points among children raised by single mothers, while only 10 percentage points among children in intact families. Boys raised by teenage mothers also appear to be much more likely to act out.

Seems boys are much more severely impacted than girls.  “The most robust difference across family structures appears to be with respect to the emotional distance: single mothers appear especially distant from their sons,” states the study.  The researchers acknowledge that married and unmarried mothers alike are closer to daughters than their sons; but they report that the difference between the mother-son emotional gap and mother-daughter emotional gap is decidedly smaller in intact families than it is in broken families.

You combine a young man’s penchant for acting out with the disadvantage that comes into his life when his mother doesn’t marry or is divorced from his father and you have a pretty good recipe for the decline of academic achievement among young men.  The sex ratio imbalance in college isn’t going away anytime soon unless we as a society become concerned about the problem, start focusing on young men and their needs while recognizing that promoting a culture that dismantles the intact family is a bad idea.  Part of me thinks that the radical feminists are going to work really hard to make sure that doesn’t happen.

(Marianne Bertrand and Jessica Pan, “The Trouble with Boys: Social Influences and the Gender Gap in Disruptive Behavior,” National Bureau of Economic Research, Working Paper 17541, October 2011.)

 

 

 

Living Up to the Name of Father

Melissa Anderson

If any of you read my introduction piece put out several months ago, you’ll already know a bit of my background.  My father is serving two life sentences for child abuse, sexual abuse and torture.  The crimes he committed were committed on his own children during the course of my childhood.  I won’t go into specifics, but suffice it to say that it takes a whole lot for a man to be convicted of Torture.  I don’t mean to elicit any degree of pity from my readers because there is so much strength and wisdom learned from being raised in a furnace of affliction.  The strongest steel is forged in the hottest flames.  So here I am today, far from broken, but with deeply held convictions and perspectives learned in dire times.

I used to hate Father’s Day.  It was the one day of the year that reminded me that everyone else had a father and I was sorely lacking one.  I went to church and heard stories of magnificent role models who loved and cared for and wanted their daughters.  I felt two things at the same time.  Jealousy that my own father didn’t care for me and this strange tinge of hope in my child heart that someday he would be the man I knew was secreted deep inside of him.

Despite all contrary evidence I knew that my father was a good man.  I knew it.  In fact, one day I found a dead bird on the playground.  I was maybe seven years old. I felt so much pity on the bird, knowing it could never fly again.  I picked it up and took the bird to my father.  I asked my father to pray for the bird.  Pray for the bird and bring it back to life, like Lazarus.  I knew he could.  I knew that if he just asked, the bird would awaken and fly away.  Instead he thrust the bird from my hand, commanding that I wash.  And such was my relationship with my father.  I would come to him and ask the impossible, that he bring himself back to life, that he make himself a good man.  Not even the best man, but a good one.  A man who didn’t hit or punch or humiliate.  A man who didn’t hurt us.  Instead, he thrust it to the dirt.

And still, deep in my child heart, I know that the bird can still fly away.  That somewhere in him is a good man. I have not lost faith in the man my father can be.  Isn’t it amazing the power that a father has?

Luckily, what I was not given by birth, I was given by life.  What my own father could not do, others have done.  I have a very special adopted dad.  He took me under wing and applauded, encouraged and taught me.  He took my children as his own grandchildren, watching their successes and helping to direct them.

Then there’s my husband.  The best of men, taking my little daughters by the hand and treating them with such kindness I know they’ll grow up expecting kindness from a man and accepting nothing less; taking my sons and teaching them to show respect and fidelity so that I’ll never have to worry that my sons grow to love their wives.  My littlest son pointed to my husband’s wedding band and asked what it meant. My husband explained that it means “papa loves mama.” Well that wasn’t enough for my little boy because, of course, he loves mama too.  So he picked up a string and wrapped it around his pinkie announcing proudly that it means “Johnny loves mama.”  And with that piece of string wrapped around his pinkie finger he strutted like a little peacock, proud that he wore his love of his mama around his finger like his daddy.  What worry do I have that this little boy won’t grow up to cherish his very own wedding ring, shared by his very own wife?  And all on account of the example of a good father.

Fathers, you have so much potential to cause great goodness, or great destruction.  Your daughters look to you to see how a woman should be treated. Your sons look to your example for how to raise a family.  You hold the keys of generations.

It seems to me that men in our society are looked down upon. Men are pigs, et al. To be a man means you hate women and think of nothing but sex on a regular basis.  How is it that we won’t accept generalities about women, but we applaud generalities made about men?  I have known multitudes of men in my life and the vast majority are simply good.  Good men.  Men who would never hurt anyone.  Men who give their life’s sweat to feed their children. I have known so many good, upstanding men that I feel personally offended when I hear men being vastly degraded, generalized as stupid, one track minded animals.  That does not describe the men I know.  That does not describe the man willing to take in an adopted daughter and love her like his own.  That does not describe the man holding his wife’s head in his hands while she cries about infertility and miscarriage.  It does not describe the strength, compassion, and stubborn devotion that I have seen in so many men.

I want to say Happy Father’s Day to those men in my listening who love their wives and their children. Happy Father’s Day to the men who make it easier for their wives to bear children.  Happy Father’s Day to the dads who make the walls of the home safe.  Happy Father’s Day to the men who live up to the name of Father.

Melissa Anderson is a lawyer in San Antonio, Texas. She is the mother of seven crazily adorable children and an author of children’s books. In her spare time, Melissa volunteers extensively with Court Appointed Special Advocates educating the community on issues related to child abuse and neglect. 

For more information on Melissa’s story:

From brutal childhood to head of the class

Overcoming Obstacles

“Gulp”

Danny Quinny

New York must be a wonderful place to live.  Can you imagine a city with 100% employment, where crime is nonexistent, where every road is beautifully paved, and people just get along?  It MUST be nice.  Why else would the three-term Mayor decide to put soda on his target list?

Oh you read correctly, Mayor Michael Bloomberg is proposing a ban on large servings of soda and other sugary drinks at restaurants, delis, sports arenas and movie theaters.  He proposes limiting drinks to16 ounces.  16 OUNCES!!!  What kind of wuss only drinks 16 ounces?  Seriously, I could down that in one slurp.

Well done, Mayor Bloomberg, well done (clap, clap, clap).  You deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger.

Why is he proposing something so silly?  He wants to save us all from obesity.

This guy is proof positive you can have all the money in the world and still not be able to buy any class (or a clue).  Bloomberg is the 11^th richest person in the US, but he forgot one little thing about the soda drinking ban.  It is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.  Plus this is the same man who “recently issued a proclamation declaring Friday doughnut day in New York.”  Seriously!!!!

On the one hand I can see his point of view. Take me for instance.  I hate seeing a fat person when I’m working out (which is why I never go to gyms with mirrors).  And I TOTALLY agree that it is tragic when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.  You see a larger person in skinny jeans and you can almost hear the seams of their pants screaming in pain.  I Get IT.

But how does it make any sense to have parts of the country legalizing weed, with others outlawing soda?  I’ll tell you, I’m starting to believe 99% of people in this world are stupid (luckily I’m in the other 2%).

Not to beat a dead horse here (although it does make a really interesting “thud” sound), won’t people just find other ways of being obese if that is what they choose to do?  Is soda the real problem, or is our lifestyle the problem?  How about sitting in front of a computer all day blogging, or playing “Minecraft?”  Bloomberg isn’t fighting obesity, he is advocating taking away a persons personal right to choose.  That is kind of what government does.  Ayn Rand once said, “There’s no way to rule innocent men. The only power government has is the power to crack down on criminals. When there aren’t enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws.”  And slowly your freedom is stripped away.

According to MSNBC in 2012 there were 40,000 new state laws passed.  40,000!!! And that is only at the state level.

I found this quote by Alexis de Tocqueville from Democracy in America this morning. It literally jumped off my screen and smacked me in the face.

Society will develop a new kind of servitude which covers the surface of society with a network of complicated rules, through which the most original minds and the most energetic characters cannot penetrate. It does not tyrannise but it compresses, enervates, extinguishes, and stupefies a people, till each nation is reduced to nothing better than a flock of timid and industrious animals, of which the government is the shepherd.” 
― Alexis de Tocqueville

So we are all on the same page, I have no problem with educating people about healthy food choices.  List the calories.  But after that “Let Them Eat Cake” and wash it down with whatever size beverages our freedom loving gullets want to splurge on!!

I remember that a seat belt law was passed when I was in high school.  They wouldn’t pull you over for not wearing one, but if you were pulled over for something else you would get nabbed for it too.  I believe it was called a “secondary offence”.  This morning, coming into work, I saw a “Click it or Ticket” billboard AND heard a commercial on the radio about it.  My question is, “Who is paying for the billboards and commercials?”  Are these our tax dollars at work?  As a mature adult (HA HA HA HA), I’m sorry.  I almost got that out without laughing. As an adult, I chose to wear my seat belt.  It makes complete sense to me.  But if I choose not to it does not affect one other driver at all. Not one little bit.  If I wrap my car around a pole and go flying out the window, who is the idiot?  I AM.

It is called “reaping what you sow.”

This may sound silly, but (you Darwin believers will love this), I almost think we should remove the warning labels from everything at let the herd thin itself.

We, supposedly, live in a country where we can choose to take care of ourselves.  It’s called FREEDOM.  Choose to live wisely, or don’t.  If you choose not to, you suffer the consequences.  Why does the government want to take away our basic right to care for ourselves and families the way that works for us?  What’s next, limiting the number of children we can have?

The soda is just a symbol.  You can have my “Super Big Gulp” when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!!!

Analyze This!

Danny Quinney

So I’m at a restaurant recently, minding my own business, when I look over at a young family.  What caught my eye was not the cute little kids (two or three years old), who were adorable, but the iPad that was propped up on the table so the kids could watch Toy Story 3 while they ate.

THE IPAD THAT WAS PROPPED UP

So I tried to put the password into my iPad so I could jot down some thoughts, when I realized I don’t own an iPad.  I was trying to put a password into an “Etch-a-sketch.” I admit I’m not as technically advance as most.  But I do know that kids growing up today have NO CLUE how awesome this time really is.  When I was a kid I felt cool if I had a 72 piece Crayola crayon set, especially if it had one of those cool crayon sharpeners in the back.  Those were really cool.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging those young parents (well, yes I am, just a little.)  I’m just as guilty as anyone of putting my kids in front of the TV.  It is the perfect built-in babysitter. The problem is if you do it all the time, like, oh, I dunno, at a restaurant, your kids will never learn proper “restaurant behavior.”  Can you imagine how frazzled the parents will be if their iPad isn’t charged up, or, heaven forbid, forgotten next time they want to eat out?

Again, I’m not judging.  I get it.  Using an iPad is SOOOOOOOO much easier than parenting.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal told about a group of professors from the University of California, Los Angeles.  This group includes anthropologists, sociologists, psychologists, and archeologists who want to understand America’s middle class, to understand “what the middle class thought, felt and what they did.”  Their goal is to “publish two books this year on their work, and say they hope the findings may help families become closer and healthier.”

They are using research from ten years ago where 32 Southern California families were videoed at home for one week.

On the surface I don’t have a problem with the research.  A group of academics getting together to analyze isn’t always a bad thing, just ask the team of psychiatrists I have following me around, analyzing, having meetings, discussing me.  I didn’t think they were very professional when they smirked at my Etch-a- sketch. Part of my problem is how the research was done.  First of all they recruited families from ads.  Then they videoed them, for one week.

So?  I hear you say, what is wrong with that?  One of the problems I have with reality TV is that it isn’t really “reality.”  The people you are watching have applied to be there.  They sent in tapes, filled out forms, and when they are being recorded they KNOW the camera is there.  So how “real” is it?  (On a side note, I wish they would make a TV show called “Prancing To Their Cars” because, as silly as it sounds, I’d probably win.)  My second problem is they only watched them for one week.

Let me give you a scenario:

A kid comes in crying because he skinned his knee and is bleeding a little bit. My reaction without a camera in the kitchen:

Pfffff….What are you crying about?  Just rub some dirt in it and keep playing.

My reaction with a camera in the Kitchen:

OH NO!!  (knocking everything off the counter to lay the now panicked child on it) Honey call 9-1-1, I’ll make a tourniquet.  Stay with us son.  Whatever you do, don’t go toward the light!!!

Now it could be I have problems.  Believe me – I KNOW I have problems.  I’m not sure what my problems are called.  I just know they are really hard to pronounce.  (On a side note, I’ve decided to upgrade my ADD to ADHD because the picture quality is so much better.)

In the article anthropologist Dr. Elinor Ochs says the American children acted differently than children from other cultures she has studied.  The article says, “Young children were expected to contribute substantially to the community.” It went on to describe “a girl around 5 years of age in Peru’s Amazon region climbing a tall tree to harvest papaya, and helping haul logs thicker than her leg to stoke a fire.”  The article continues, “By contrast, the U.S. videos showed Los Angeles parents focusing more on the children, using simplified talk with them, doing most of the housework and intervening quickly when the kids had trouble completing a task.”  Well isn’t that cute?  I could have told you a kid from Peru’s Amazon region would behave differently from a kid from Southern California without funding.

It is probably true many American kids don’t contribute.  I know my kids would never, “serve food to their elders, waiting patiently in front of them before they eat.”  They have never harvested a papaya tree and they certainly have never hauled logs thicker then their leg.  But they also have other responsibilities the Amazon Peruvians don’t.  The article described “about 75% of the families, the mothers came home first and began to “gyrate” through the house, bouncing between the kids and their homework, groceries, dinner and laundry, according to the group’s analysis published in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2009.” Do the Peruvian kids have homework?

My biggest problem with the research is they are comparing American families to those of Samoa, Peru, and in one case Italy.  Just because they don’t have “Family night” in Italy, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it here.  Personally, I think a big group of American parents aren’t too bright.  I think we make a lot of mistakes, but as a whole we are doing alright.  All-in-all this is just another example of anti-America / American self-loathing that has been permeating throughout the media the past decade or so. That is a topic for another day (note to self.)

Also, if you think about it, ten years was a long time ago.  I just looked and in the last 48 hours I have communicated via text with one of my four kids eight times.  I love parenting by text.  Ten years ago I wouldn’t have.  My friend Dave Young said it best when he said, “So a point could be made that technology is changing our world so rapidly that unless studies on home life and interpersonal relationships don’t take into account the recent influence of social media and personal technology for communication, they will most likely be missing a substantial component that significantly affects our home and community interactions.”

I KNOW…how cool was that?  To tell the truth, I don’t even know what half those words mean.  I’m just thrilled to have a smart friend who thinks enough about me to say  such fancy words.

The more I think about it I don’t see how analyzing ten-year-old videos, of 32 families, from Southern California is going “help” my family.

Reader Poll: “Based on your experience, what do you think is the ideal time spacing before bringing the next child into your family?”

We asked UFI Readers this question:

“Based on your experience, what do you think is the ideal time spacing before bringing the next child into your family?”

This is how they responded:

14 Percent           9-18 months      

58 Percent           2 years

10 Percent           2 ½ years

13 Percent           3 years

3 Percent             4 years

2 Percent             5 years

This wasn’t the question that we really wanted to ask, but the results are interesting and helpful.  One always likes to see the collective wisdom of people.  A spacing of two years between children is the overwhelming winner.  A nationally representative survey on this question, we suspect, would yield a different result.

As for the question we wanted to ask, but felt it was probably too personal:  “What do you think is the ideal number of children?”   That question arose as we read the various news reports on “How parenthood makes life meaningful and marriage makes parenthood bearable.”  One striking finding of this research was that the happiest married couples either have no children or four or more children.  Another finding:  Most individuals still want to have two or more children.

This is not an anti-family report, but it has been used as such in the media.  We suggest you read through the report and some of the articles surrounding these findings:

How to Keep Parenthood From Making Your Marriage Miserable

The Five Secrets of Happily Married Parents

 

Drop the candy or lose your family

By Danny Quinney

I like it when I can feel my creative juices flowing.   I can literally feel my creative juices oozing out of my ear right this inst – OHMIGOSH!!!  IT’S BLOOD…no wait…(whew)… It’s alright.  No one panic!  It was just jelly from the donut I had this morning.

I’m kind of torn with how to write today.  This story annoys me on SO many levels, I’m not sure where to start.  But there is a little itsy bitsy part of me that almost, but not entirely, can sorta see the point of view of the “nanny state.”

Recently in the Cleveland Heights, Ohio area an 8-year old boy was taken from his family and put into foster care after county case workers said his mother wasn’t doing enough to control his weight.  He tipped the scales at 218 lbs.  Apparently last year (2010) county officials became aware of the child after his mother took him to the hospital with breathing problems.  He was diagnosed with sleep apnea (which can be weight related), and given a machine to help monitor his breathing.  Other than the sleep apnea, and the fact the boy is over 200 pounds, he is a perfectly normal elementary student.  He is on the honor roll and participates in school activities.

Now, on the one hand, the boy is WAAAAY too fat.  I know it’s not politically correct to be blunt like that, but over 200 pounds, are you kidding me?  The average weight of an 8-year old is 60 pounds.  This boy is 218.  I’m sure the county case workers mean well, if the boy was malnourished or abused, I can see the state stepping in.  So you can almost see the justification on the state “helping”.  The big difference is, in the cases of malnutrition, or abuse, there is imminent danger (the phrase “imminent danger” is a fancy way of saying “Ohmigosh the boy might die!!!  CALL 911!”).  In this case the state stepped in because the health issues the boy MIGHT get (note the fancy use of italics on the word “might”).

Really?  The government feels it can intervene because of health issues that MIGHT happen?

I read two articles on this subject.  In the first one it quotes a Dr. Naim Alkhouri, who works with overweight children at Cleveland Clinic Children’s Hospital, as saying, “There’s no easy answer when it comes to determining who’s to blame in such obesity cases…It’s not only the parents or the child,” he said. “Obesity is an epidemic in the United States. As a society we’re all responsible.”

Is it just me, or did everybody just throw-up a little bit?

I live six states away from the large child.  How am I responsible?

Now, I’m not judging this mother, or her child.  In the second article it explains how the boy has a teenage brother who is tall and skinny.  Maybe he has a chemical imbalance, or another biological problem.  The boy is on the honor roll.  As a father I can tell you that the honor roll doesn’t just happen.  I would think the mother isn’t neglectful.  Still the state felt it necessary to rip the child out of his mother’s arms.  She is only allowed to see him once a week, for two hours.

Arthur Caplan, a professor of medical ethics said, “A 218-pound eight-year-old is a time bomb, but the government cannot raise these children. A third of kids are fat. We aren’t going to move them all to foster care. We can’t afford it, and I’m not sure there are enough foster parents to do it.”

The second article also said, “Others suggest there’s hypocrisy in a government that would advocate taking children away for being overweight while saying it’s OK to advertise unhealthy food and put toys in fast-food kids’ meals.”

There we go!!!  Problem solved.

We could either advocate personal and parental responsibility, or we could outlaw toys in fast-food meals.  I say we pry the toys from their fat little fingers.  After all, that would be soooo much easier then parenting.

The problem with government interference is where does it stop?  I’ve been told the first law Germany passed against the Jewish people before World War II was they weren’t allowed to swim in public pools with “Aryan” people.  Now before you get your panties in a wad, I am NOT comparing the Cuyahoga County workers with Nazi Germany.  I’m just saying it starts small.

Recently, San Francisco was considering banning circumcision.  They argued it is painful.  That may be true.  I know after my circumcision I couldn’t walk for almost two years (oh wait, I was a baby), but it was my parent’s decision.  It doesn’t matter if they did it for religious, health, or cosmetic reasons; the point is, it was their decision, their business, not anyone else’s and certainly not the governments’.  Would San Francisco take boys from their parents for following their religion?

I don’t mind the government encouraging healthy life choices, I don’t mind their coming out with cute little food pyramids, or letting us know important nutritional information.  I just feel the government shouldn’t impose on families.

I have the right to pursue happiness according to the dictates of my conscious.  If my fat little kids and I want jelly donuts for dinner every night that is our business.

The government should stay out of it.

Reader Poll: “Recognizing that all are important, what trait or quality do you think is the most important to teach children?”

Here’s the question we asked UFI readers: 

“Recognizing that all are important, what trait or quality do you think is the most important to teach children?”

Here’s how readers responded:

0 Percent                  Determination

36 Percent               Responsibility

11 Percent               Self-confidence/Self-Worth

32 Percent               Gratitude

21 Percent               Self-Control

 This was a tough one!  You can see that there was not an overwhelming winner with the results for “responsibility” and “gratitude” being very close.  Our readers don’t seem to follow the mantra of the secular world which seems to state that the most important thing you can teach children is to be self-confident.

Our staff at UFI had a long conversation about this question and couldn’t decide between responsibility and gratitude.  Can you be responsible and still be ungrateful?   If you are truly grateful, is it possible to not feel responsible to all around you?   All of the qualities mentioned are important ones and hopefully this gave you an opportunity to examine your own values and parenting focus.