‘Till Death do us Part

Rachel Allison

Because of current circumstances in my life, I have had opportunity to witness seven or eight weddings over the past two weeks. I was actually surprised at how many young couples are getting married.  I thought that marriage was a thing of the past.  But apparently I have been wrong.  Good!  I’m glad I was wrong.  Before pronouncing the marriage vows the officiator has offered advise to the bride and groom.

His counsel:

1.  Communication is a key to a successful marriage.  Together your joys will be doubled, and your sorrows will be divided.  To the bride:  “When your husband gets home each evening, ask about his day…and then listen with your ears and your heart.  Your concern and interest can lighten his load and inspire confidence.”   To the Groom:  “Ask about her day…her ups and her downs.  Be the man she can lean on.  Be the man who willingly takes time to listen to her. And both of you need to know when not to speak.  That too, is an important part of communication…wisely determine when to let emotions calm before voicing your opinions.

2.  Create a budget, and live within that budget.  The only time you should go into debt is for a home, education, or a modest car.  You are at the beginning of your lives.  You don’t need the newest and the best.  Character is built when second-hand is okay while together you work and save and sacrifice for better. You have years to reach your financial goals.  Be patient.  Don’t allow debt to destroy peace and harmony in your marriage.

3.  To the husband:  Take your wife out once a week…just you and her.  Every day she should know how much you love her, but that weekly date is the time when you let her know she is still your sweetheart.  At first you may only be able to afford a walk around the park with an ice cream cone.  But it’s the one on one experience that can reignite the reason why you are here today with a desire to live together as life companions.

To the wife:  Get dressed up for your date with your husband.  Wear his favorite dress…or his favorite jeans.  Fix your hair the way he likes it best.   Make him happy to take you out.  And if for financial reasons it’s only a walk through the park, put your arm through his and let him know that things will get better.  You have confidence in him, the future, and your financial goals.

As the officiator offers this advise the young couples have smiled and nodded their heads in agreement.  It’s easy to agree before life’s challenges come into play.

Understanding how important marriage is to man, woman, and child, I have said a little prayer for each bride and groom.  I pray they will remember the officiator’s counsel.  And I pray they won’t give up on each other and their love.

For thirty-eight years I have experienced the highs and lows of marriage and family.  These experiences have given me a wisdom I didn’t have as a young bride.  Even if the officiator’s advice is accepted and lived, it cannot guarantee that their marriage will weather the storms of life.  But those storms will be less fierce when caring communication, financial peace of mind, and devotion to each other (and none else) are fundamental to that relationship.

The Tragedy of Technology

by Rachel Allison

In today’s world of fascination with iPhones, iPads, iPods, computers, Internet and texting, social skills are becoming less and less evident.  But what is even more troubling is the demise of family communication.  Whether purposefully or consequentially people are shutting real live people out of their lives.  Such interaction is vital to growth, learning, support, friendship and love.

My sweet nephew was painfully shy and withdrawn.  As much as we tried to communicate with him, he wouldn’t talk to grown ups. As he grew he quickly recognized that if he plugged into his Walkman no one expected him to join in the conversation.  He always had his earphones on…it was his way of saying, “I don’t want to talk right now…I’m involved in something more important than you and what you have to say.” If someone wanted to talk to him they had to physically tug on his shirt or tap him on the shoulder because he was tuned out and disconnected from everyone. It was as if he didn’t want to interact for fear that someone would get to know the real Tim.

Last week I was at a restaurant and during the course of our meal and conversation, I noticed a father and son sit down at a table next to ours. The boy was probably nine or ten.  The father was in his late twenties or early thirties.  Neither said a word to each other the entire meal…seriously! The young boy had some sort of game boy that he was playing with between bites.  The father had his own toy, a phone that he was obsessed with.  I know it was none of my business, but it broke my heart to see the one on one time wasted between father and son.

There is definitely a time for technology.  There is also a definite time that we adults should turn it off or ignore it, and explain to our children/grandchildren just why we should focus on real people in the here and now. I have heard it said that children who are not spoken to by live and responsive adults will not learn to speak properly.  And children who are not answered will stop asking questions.  That in and of itself is a shame, but the emotional withdrawal that our society is experiencing is a tragedy.

Mealtime…the Most Important Family Time of the Day

By Rachel Allison

We always assume that families eating together would help strengthen family ties and raise better-adjusted kids, but specific studies have been done over the years that prove our assumptions by highlighting the benefits of time spent together at the dinner table.
•      Research by CASA (The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse) and other organizations has shown that teens that eat frequent family dinners are less likely than other teens to smoke, drink, use illegal drugs, have sex at young ages, get into fights or be suspended from school.  And these results hold true regardless of a teen’s sex, family structure or socioeconomic level.
•      In a research project conducted by Dr. Blake Bowden of Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Center, 527 teenagers were studied to determine what family and lifestyle characteristics were related to good mental health and adjustment.   Dr. Bowden and his colleagues found that kids who ate dinner with their families at least five times per week (at home or in a fast food restaurant) were the least likely to take drugs, feel depressed or get into trouble with the law.  In addition, these young people were more likely to do well in school and to have a supportive circle of friends.
•      A survey conducted by the University of Chicago revealed that a majority of graduate students, when asked where they got most of their ideas about morality and religion, responded “through conversation with the family at meal times.”
•      One Harvard University study links children’s literacy and school success to explanatory talk at the dinner table—for instance, discussions of presidential politics or the days’ news.  Not only does that expand a child’s world but it also helps a child learn to handle differences of opinion, negotiate ways to get into a conversation, hear new vocabulary words, and predict and anticipate parents’ reactions.
•      A 1996 study done by Dr. Catherine Snow, a professor of education at Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, revealed similar results.  By following sixty-five families over an eight-year period, it was determined that dinnertime was of more value to child development than playtime, school and story time.  Clearly, there is power in family fellowship.
•      A study several years ago found that the most common trait of high school National Merit Scholars was that they grew up eating dinner together as a family.
•      Research conducted by Dr .Stacey Tantleff-Dunn and Dr. Michael E. Dunn on students entering their freshman year of college found that eating meals together as a family corresponded to lower rates of depression, lower levels of alcohol use, lower levels of marijuana use, lower levels of cigarette use, lower levels of illicit drug use, higher self-esteem, better grades, and lower levels of suspension and detention.

There are several immediate benefits that can result from sitting down to dinner with your children. The first, and most obvious, is increased communication. Nothing fosters a sense of belonging, love and self-esteem like family communication.

Eating dinner with your children is certainly not a guarantee that your kids will be National Merit Scholars, and sail through life with no problems, but it does seem like the experts are all in agreement -  it’s a fabulous  start.

_________

Thanks to  Jill Kimball “Drawing Families Together One Meal at a Time”

The Language of the Happily Married

By Rachel Allison

According to Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, their thirty years of marriage research has shown that the best marriages worldwide use specific words and phrases as they talk about their relationship with each other.

Here are the words and phrases commonly used by happily married couples.  They are categorized into the seven pervasive characteristics of successful marriage.

1.  TOGETHERNESS   In successful marriages, two become one in so many positive and important ways without losing their individual identities.  The most important words and phrases used by successfully married couples are:  We, us, our, together, team, we are like one, we cannot imagine life without each other.

2.  TRUTHFULNESS:  In successful marriages, couples talk about anything and everything.  There are no sacred cows—no secrets.  In the best marriages you hear these words and phrases:  Confidant, complete trust, we never worry about betrayal, we know nearly everything about each other, we are the keepers of each other’s deepest and darkest secrets.

3.  RESPECT:  Successful love and marriage is about mutual love and respect.  In the best marriages you hear these words and phrases:  Mutual respect, admiration, kindness, politeness, we do nice things for each other with no expectation of something in return, we put each other’s needs first.

Successfully married couples do all these things automatically.

4.  FITNESS:  In successful marriages, to live until “death do us part” requires a mutual concern about good health.  Here are the words and phrases they use:  Health, fitness, exercise, vitamins, nutrition, salads, taking annual physical exams, take your medicine, we exercise together, we shop for food together.

5.  JOINT FINANCES:  In successful marriage, it is not YOUR money and MY money.  It is OUR money.  Here are the words and phrases they use:  Our financial goals, our house, our bills, joint decision-making, joint finances (no separate checking accounts), live within our means, we talk before we buy big items.

6.  TACTILE COMMUNICATION:  In successful marriages, touching each other multiple times per day is the norm.  Their mantra is, “I love you so much I must touch you.”  They use these words and phrases:  Warmth, caring, friendship, love, understanding, we love to hug, we have great sex, touching acknowledges our presence, our hands communicate loving messages, touching is our private Morse Code.

7.  SURPRISE:  Successful marriages are exciting, never boring, and full of unpredictable things.  Boredom is not an option!  The best marriages use words and phrases like:  Variety, upending expectancies, fun, adventure, romance, passion, always finding something to do together, we never get bored with each other, we are each other’s best friends.

If you don’t hear these words and phrases in your marriage and relationship, you may have some work to do.  Get started today forming the habits that communicate love.