Mothers: Influencers Extraordinaire

Rachel Allison

I recently read the following:

I am totally convinced that once a woman has borne a child, she owes that child herself more than anything else in the first five years of his life…

I fear that raising emotion-starved and love-starved children can produce calloused, robotized adults—people who follow the group in straight lines and do exactly what everyone else is doing, because someone has said it is time.

I fear for the working mother who is deluded to believe that some kind, patient woman will tend to her child’s emotional needs until she can take over, that someone else will see that her child discovers he is unique, until she can pick him up at the end of the day—when she is perhaps so tired that the best he can hope to hear is, “It’s time to go to bed.”

I fear for the future of the child whose hunger for love and recognition must be satisfied in large groups.  I beg mothers to wake up, to experience the precious dawning of their child’s life with him.  Evening comes quickly—but the evening may be too late.”  Rita Chapman of Dallas, Texas as quoted in Blueprints for Living

As I read these words my first thoughts were, “Wow!  That’s strong medicine!” But hearing the news, and observing the heartbreak that is taking place in homes and families, I think that we all need a dose of strong medicine.  We may not like it, but if it helps to heal, we should do all we can to make appropriate change.

One of the speakers at church this past Sunday paid tribute to her mother.  Because her father was diagnosed at an early age with an extremely debilitating disease, her mother stepped up to not only provide the income, but she chose to work a night job so that she could be at home with her children when they needed her presence and watchful care. This little family was far from affluent.  In fact financially they were considered poor. But I know six of the children who grew up under the watchful eye of that mother.  They are well-adjusted, good, fun, talented, hard-working individuals and they adore their mother and each other.  What a blessing one selfless woman can be in the lives of her children. What a blessing her choices have been to the community where her children choose to settle.

Unfortunately, we are seeing mothers have to choose between their children and a myriad of interests, activities, and opportunities that promote their own fun, pride, and sense of fulfillment.  Our society is experiencing the results of children whose lives and care have been put on the back burner of their mother’s priorities… Years ago my son brought this poem home from school. I have never forgotten its message.  It has helped me determine where to spend my time, and where to give my heart.

             Mother

She laughs my laughter

Sheds my tears

Returns my love,

Fears my fears.

She lives my joys,

Cares my cares,

And all my hopes and dreams she shares.

“Lioness at the Gate”

Rachel Allison

As major conferences are held at the United Nations, men and women from all over the world come to New York City to support a particular cause or share their grievances with those who will listen.  Many plan what are called “side events” and these side events are calendared and publicized with the hopes that conference participants will attend.

In 2007 I was attending The Conference, Commission on the Status of Women, and I attended one such side event that was taking place.

Five beautiful women, all from Sweden, had traveled to New York City to ask that their roles as “mother” and their desire to be a “stay-at-home mother” be acknowledged as a meaningful, respectable and even crucial role in society.

Their grievance was that unless Swedish women are working outside the home they are looked down upon as non-contributors of society…even parasites of those willing to work for the betterment of Sweden and its economy.

One woman shared with us the statistics of Sweden’s growth and envied economy.  But she said that the statistics that are not so commonly shared are the statistics of child suicide and the rampant depression in the women who are told that they can and should “do it all.”  …Be a contributing member of society and a woman who can keep a household and family running in organized and top order.   She said that government call centers have been provided for children who are home and feeling depressed.  But these call centers are not statistically diminishing the suicide rate.

As these five young women spoke out about their frustrations and their desire to be considered contributing members of society as they stay home to care for their children, my heart ached for them and the children of such a culture.

In more recent years I spoke with a Swedish woman who did not have the same impression of her country.  She felt that her government did encourage women to stay at home at least during the first years of their children’s lives.  She was an older woman, more a grandmother’s age.  And I wondered where the truth actually lies.

I recently read an article by Julie B. Beck where she referred to a mother’s role as being compared with a “Lioness at the gate of the home….she guards that gate, and things matter to that family if they matter to her.”  I have thought about that analogy numberless times, and as I have reflected upon the years when my five active children were in the home, I can see that her comparison is extremely insightful.  My thoughts have turned to the numerous times with each of my children when if I had not been available or vigilant or willing to “snarl and claw” my children could have been “carried away” by the influences that exist to destroy their productive lives.  Anyone having had teenage children will know exactly what I’m talking about…. teenagers living in our society need I lioness standing guard, not a pussy cat, or worse yet a distracted pussy cat.

Those who attended the UN side event were as frustrated with the situation as the five women living it in their home country. The debate and conversation was spirited and supportive of their plight.

At one point I spoke saying, “We can have it all…and we can do it all.  After all, we are women.  However, there is a time and a season to all things.  There is a season for us to get our education and develop talents and skills.  And there is a season to have children and love and support and teach and guide them until they can travel through life on their own.  And there is a time and season for a career and self-indulgence.  But these seasons of our lives do not run concurrently.  Most of the time they come in consequential order and spacing.  That is the only way we can have it all and take care of that which is most important for the season of our lives we are in.  It’s when we try to do things out of season that our efforts are frustrated and we experience failure.”  Neither my thoughts nor words were  original. I do not take credit for them.   They are found in Ecclesiastes Chapter 3.  And the entire room erupted in applause and a standing ovation.  The truth rings true to those that “hear.”

 

 

Precious Memories Lost or Created…Parents Choose Wisely

Rachel Allison

Reading Ann Bailey’s article about the studies that have come out against the Federal Government’s Head Start preschool program must be discouraging to those whose intentions may have been positive and even altruistic.  But the years of time and effort and billions of dollars poured into the program have proven a failure.

Who lost out? The innocent children who were used as Guiney pigs to boost the ego of brainstorming government employees who thought that they had devised a program that was better than a mother’s love and the security of home environment. What does a child need and long for more than anything else in the world? Quantity and quality time spent with their mother.

Who else lost out? The mothers who forfeited memories made with their precious pre-schoolers.

You may say, “But it was a program for poor families.”  I remember the families in my hometown who sent their children to Head Start.  The mothers loved their children.  They may have qualified for government assistance, but they were good mothers.  They mistakenly thought they were giving their children an advantage, when in reality they were giving up precious time and memories with their child for a program that failed.  Again, what does a child need and long for more than anything else in the world?  Quantity and quality time spent with their mother.

Can you sense my emotion?  For the past two weeks I have been following through on a New Year’s Resolution.  I have spent hours compiling a memory album of my children.  Each photo represents a precious memory I have with them. Each hour spent on the project has stirred emotions that have brought me close to tears. If I could I would go back in time and do it all again.

Young mothers and fathers…May I emphasize that no one will love and care for your children as well as you.  Love them. Teach them. Spend as much time with them as you possibly can.  Enjoy them, and allow them to enjoy you.  Your memories will create a valuable anchor to your soul that you will cherish more and more as the years advance. Trust me on this one.  I think it may even be a natural law.

The Wonderful Blessings of Work

Maddi Gillel

“Without parents’ humanizing work, children may be quite smart, well-educated, and successful, but so selfish, self-centered, and uncaring as to be essentially uncivilized – not able to live in a spirit of community with others” (On Rekindling a Spirit of ‘Home Training: A Mother’s Notes from the Front.’ To Taking Parenting Public: The Case for a New Social Movement, ed. Sylvia A. Hewlett, Nancy Rankin, and Cornel West.{2002} p. 19

There were 8 children in our family.  We lived in a small town in a rural area of our state.  Our dad owned a service station and our mother stayed  home.  The 4 boys in the family grew up working at dad’s station and the girls did whatever needed to be done at home.

We usually went home from school for lunch and mom would often have us hang clothes on the line – usually diapers- and our fingers would FREEZE before we were through (we lived in a high, cold climate).  We would also help fold those diapers, as well as all the other clothes, fresh from the clothesline.  We would mow and rake the lawn, clean and wash the cars, clean house, run errands, wash dishes, help with the meals, etc. etc. etc.

Of course we did the usual moaning and groaning and complaining when we had to do all this work- we were VERY normal children. But as time has passed, lo and behold, we ALL know how to work and work hard.  We love to work.  We love having family projects – painting, cleaning out and sorting out an attic or a garage (or our bedrooms), setting up a garage sale, deep lawn caring (trimming, weeding, mowing), and helping our grandparents with all of the above when needed.

To this day, ‘playing’ in and of itself, holds little interest for me.  I enjoy the things I grew up doing –  WORKING !  Of course all of us love to be together and we have so much fun, especially if there’s a work project to do.

I love a good movie, I love reading, handiwork, visiting with friends and family, technology, etc., so I am not a “dull boy” as the saying goes – (you know “all work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy”).  I love order and beauty in my life, and I know how to create it – all because I learned how to work.

I cannot stress too strongly the value of children being taught how to work.  It has been such a blessing in my life and in the lives of my brothers and sisters and our families.

 

 

The Power of Good Women

by Maddi Gillel

I have noticed in the past few years the power women have for good or evil, depending on the choices they, themselves, make.  I can see that women of all ages have an aura around them of good which influences others for good by lifting, strengthening, building, mentoring, or of evil which destroys, saddens, weakens and discourages others.

There is really no middle ground today.  Women can’t think that they’re not hurting anyone by their choices; that they’re just minding their own business.  To do GOOD, we must be proactive and reach out to help others, encourage others, work with others, including and especially family members, neighbors, etc.

Helping others is seldom convenient, and can involve time and a lot of hard work at times.  The payoff , however, is a deeper love of others, more depth to our souls, and a bettering of our world.

They talk about a woman’s sphere

As though it has a limit.

There’s not a place in earth or heaven,

There’s not a task to mankind given.

There’s not a blessing nor a woe

There’s not a whispered yes or no.

There’s not a life, or death, or birth,

That has a feather’s weight of worth . . .

Without a woman in it.

C.E. Bowman

Someone once observed Mother Theresa holding and comforting a child, and said to her: “With so many children in the world who need help, what does one matter?”

To which Mother Theresa responded, “It matters to this child.”

This has become part of my creed.

Parenting: Disciplinarian or Loving Listener?

Rachel Allison

My husband and I have totally different parenting styles. I have often wondered how I ended up being the strict disciplinarian.  He on the other hand had an open-door policy with our children.  Any time a discussion or heart to heart conversation was needed he was available. Uhhh…I think somehow we got our roles reversed.  And sometimes I was a bit frustrated by it.

My role as the strict disciplinarian:

• Chores and household duties were expected.  We worked together, and all had responsibilities that helped the home and family run well.
• No television during the school week.
• Homework was finished before extracurricular activities and friends.
• Curfews were in place during their teenage years.
• We went to church together as a family. If my teenage children were tempted to sleep during church I would remind them that their curfew the following Saturday night would be 30 minutes earlier so they could get their needed sleep.  They stayed awake because they knew I would not forget to carry out the promise.
• If there was fighting between siblings, they knew that extra chores would be given. My policy was,  “If you have the energy to fight you have the energy to work.”  The result?  Arguments were settled quickly, and Mom rarely had to get involved.
• My children knew the importance of being loyal to their siblings.  We discussed it, and they knew the consequences if they were not.
• We had LOTS of family discussion. We discussed the rules of our family.  They didn’t always like them, but they understood why they were in place.

My husband’s role as the kind and loving mediator: ( grrrrrr… )

• He drove them to school everyday and they laughed and talked freely.
• He interviewed them monthly or more if needed.  The conversations were never hurried.  The children looked forward to those interviews and discussions.
• When I was too strict, the children would go to their father.  He and I would privately discuss their issues, and sometimes, I admit, the rules needed to be changed.
• My husband was a listener.
• My husband did not judge our children.  They knew his love was unconditional.
• Etc. Etc. Etc.

Do you see why there were times I wanted HIS role…and I wanted him to have MINE.  But, I was the one who was with our children in the home.  I saw what needed to be done on a daily basis to keep the home and family running smoothly and progressing. It worked for our family.

My husband and I are the first to admit that if we had both been like me, our children would have been messed up. And if we had both been like him, they would have been messed up.  Those seem like strong statements, but we feel that our combination was a good balance to teach our children responsibility, loyalty, compassion and love.

I am happy to say that since our children are now adults I share my husband’s role…and I love it!

My Thoughts on our Sexual State of Affairs

Allison Malnar

I read an article yesterday that cited Bill Clinton’s State of the Union Address from January 1994.  He stated,  ”In ten years, one-half of all children born in America will be illegitimate.” I was shocked!   I have been on the computer for over an hour trying to find out how many children are now born to unwed mothers in the United States. According to the National Vital Statistics Reports, Volume 60, Number 1, November 3, 2011, the number of overall births is decreasing, while the number of illegitimate births is increasing.

Clinton’s State of the Union Address coupled with an observation I had last week at my children’s swimming lessons prompted the writing of this blog.  I watched a very cute little girl get dropped off by her father and met at the swim lesson by her mother. The man and the woman spoke very little. The woman had just come from work. I could tell that they both adored the little girl but not each other. I thought how different my life would be if I were on my own with my children. I would have to work and I would be entrusting my children’s wellbeing to strangers.

I have several friends who are single mothers. Some are single because husbands have left, and some because they chose to have sexual relations outside of marriage. One friend was dating a man and “they were in love” until she got pregnant. Then, he was gone. She is no longer pregnant but she never had the baby. This friend and her former lover no longer speak.

I waited until I was married to have sex. I did have a few serious relationships where my boyfriends really tried to pressure me to have sexual relations with them.  I am so grateful I did not give in to them or the moment. Years later, I can see what my parents were trying to tell me back then. When you only have sexual relations within marriage, it is difficult to imagine having sex casually. The big secret of marital sex is if the relationship is good—both partners committed and caring of the other, the sex gets better and better. No casual affair can compare with the committed wonderful marriage relationship. How can I say this while not having experienced the former? Observation and seeing the consequences of both types of relationships is telling.

Last week, my children crawled in bed with me and we laughed and talked and read books for over an hour. I thought, “This is heaven on earth.” Later that day, my kids ran to my husband yelling, “Daddy!” I followed them with a kiss for my husband. Why am I writing about my perfect life? (It is not always perfect but I have never wanted to trade with anyone.) Because I believe the big lie of today is perpetuated by adults that have never experienced the type of relationship I am describing. There are wonderful and honorable men and women in society that still believe in traditional values. And while you have to place more restrictions on yourself before marriage, it leads to greater freedom after marriage.

May I Vent?

Rachel Allison

My daughter and I had a conversation recently that made me crazy.  One of her friends has three teenage daughters.  A few months ago, the fourteen-year old, Mary, spent the night at my daughter’s home.  She slept on the floor with sheets and blankets provided by my daughter.  After the young girl left, my daughter realized that during the night Mary had wet the bedding and the carpet beneath.  Recently Mary spent the night with another friend and the same thing happened. Because of a church assignment, my daughter has had regular opportunity to associate with Mary, and she has become very aware of the smell that accompanies her. Other friends complain of the smell, but apparently they aren’t associating the smell with their friend…at least not yet.

It has become more and more apparent that there is a major problem with cleanliness.  Out of concern for the future taunts and ostracism by friends, my daughter talked to Mary’s mother.  At first the mother denied knowledge of the situation, but as the conversation continued, she admitted knowing about the problem.  Apparently both her fourteen and twelve-year old daughters wet the bed nightly.  The mother said she has tried to get her girl’s to quit stuffing their soiled clothes in drawers or closet corners, but it still happens.  Her concern with the soiled mattresses is having to spend the money to replace them. Her excuse for not protecting the mattress was that the plastic gets torn, the girl’s don’t tell her about the tear, and the mattress gets soiled again.

The wetting of the bed is not the issue I want to vent about.  Some of my children have been older bedwetters, but during those weeks and months, I was SO aware of cleanliness.  Sheets and night clothing were washed every morning. The mattresses and mattress protectors were checked every time the bed was remade for any tears or foul smell.

The issue I have is with Mary’s mother.  If she is not even aware of the repulsive urine smell that surrounds her daughters or apparently their bedroom, then something is terribly wrong.  I can’t even fathom such a disconnect. Would this woman be just as oblivious to her teenage daughters’ problems if she stayed at home full time?  But she has admitted to my daughter that she loves her employment, and would much rather be at work than at home.  As a result, long hours are spent away from family and the frustrations that they cause.

So my question is, did problems at home cause her love of the workplace?  Or did her love of the workplace cause the problems at home?   This bedwetting issue could stem from a physical problem…if so these young girls will out grow it.  But if it stems from an emotional problem…a problem that is being ignored…then my heart goes out to these girls and the hurt and humiliation they are experiencing.

European Heaven and Hell

Editor Note:  Mike and Diana Lacey joined the UFI team during the final week of the Commission on the Status of Women.  Mike gives some insights on his UN experience.

Mike Lacey

Anyone familiar with the culture of European countries will enjoy the joke about European heaven and hell.

It is told that in heaven, the Germans are the engineers, the French are the lovers, the British are the politicians and the Italians are the chefs.

In hell, the Italians are the engineers, the French are the politicians, the Germans are the lovers, and the British are the chefs.

After a couple of days in attendance at the United Nations Conference on the Status of Women, it was obvious that the Swedes and the Canadians wish to be included in the joke. Never mind that Canada is not physically located in Europe, this group would blithely deny that too.

My wife, Diana, and I attended a UN side event titled “Financing for Gender Equality:  Taxes, Budgeting, and Recessions in Comparative and Global Contexts.”  The event was sponsored by the Canadian Research Institute for the Advancement of Women (Queen’s University).

As the meeting “progressed,” I went from feelings of frustration, to anger, to horror, to indifference, to humor.  You see, we were being sold the idea that Sweden is an economic utopia.  Likened to the bumblebee, which, according to engineers (Germans or Italians, I don’t know), is not supposed to fly, the Swedish economy thrives, according to them, despite the highest tax rates and social spending in Europe. The climax of this presentation was a slide actually titled “Utopia Exists.”

Who knew?

What felt heinous to us was the outright socialism being espoused/propagated by the three presenters, and apparently accepted by the audience of around forty people.  Some points they tried to hammer home were:

The two income models represented in the world are:

1) The Breadwinner Model

2) The Dual-Earner Model.

The Breadwinner model is the traditional model where one member (usually the husband) of the household is engaged in some activity (work, career, profession) to bring home money for the family.  The problem with this model, according to this panel, is that “taxable capacity” only lies in the working spouse, who has an income to tax.  This obviously leaves the at-home spouse at an economic disadvantage, according to their doctrine.  To compensate, governments offer tax-credits and household tax-deductions to bring equity to the spouse who is not employed.  Given as examples for this “antiquated” structure were the USA, Spain, Germany and Japan.

The more enlightened Nordic countries espouse the Dual-Earner Model.  There, government mandated “leaves of absence” for child care allow for each partner in a household to hold full-time employment.  Children then become “wards of the state.” This allows for “gender equality,” giving both man and woman income, which they defined as being a better form of social welfare.

These months-long leaves of absence require or allow both partners in a household to take staggered leaves (3 months each and then another 3 months for one or the other) until a child is ready for day-care, whereupon both earners go back to their employment and the child is taken care of by the state.

The great dilemma of this model is always that where the money is, there too, is the control.  Isn’t it a danger that if the government pays each spouse for the babysitting of their own child, wouldn’t the government soon mandate things that might be reprehensible to the family?  Who provides the nurturing, love, attention and comfort?  Do you want your child raised by the equivalent of a DMV[Dept. of Motor Vehicle] clerk?

Additionally, women who do stay home to tend children are allocated an income by the state to equalize their taxing capacity and influence with their working brethren.  This utopian program is funded by taxing working men at a higher rate!

Questioning the Swedish Utopia

During the question and answer part of the presentation, Diana made a comment to the panel that we live in the state of New Mexico that has one of the largest social welfare programs (school lunches to 75% of children, latch-key programs, etc.) AND that our state is considered one of, if not the worst state in which to raise children.  She asked, “If there is little or no correlation to social spending and social well-being of children and families in New Mexico, why should we believe “The Swedish Model” would bring different results?

Since most of the audience was sympathetic to the message being delivered, you could hear a pin drop when Diana asked her question.  Then you could see the blood levels rise among the members of the panel.  They tersely answered her question as if she were an apostate.

The greatest irony occurred when one of the women associated with the sponsor rose and asked a question.  In broken English, since she apparently spoke French, she asked how groups such as theirs in Sweden were funded.  A look of anxiety appeared on the other Canadian’s faces as the French-speaking associate stated that their group did not have enough money to pay their telephone bill recently.  The panel hurriedly switched topics and went on.

After the meeting, I asked the French-speaking woman why the telephone bill was difficult to pay.  Since there had been a transitional government recently, she said their funding had completely dried up.  I wondered what it took to “sponsor” this UN Side Event!  Apparently only a socialist agenda.

Another very earnest member of their group came after the meeting to try and convince Diana of the wisdom of the Swedish Model.  This earnest student-aid type associate continued to try to proselyte Diana to their cause. Diana came up with an interesting metaphor.

Throughout the CSW conference, including in this side event, were references to the terrible practice of human trafficking throughout the world.  That issue is a worthy issue we must continue to discuss and fight, and Sweden is apparently noteworthy in their control and banishment of the sex trafficking trade.  Because of the constant references to the terminology of sex-trafficking and prostitution, the terms “pimp and john” were regularly spoken and used.

So here was Diana’s analogy.

Since the Canadian sponsors of this event were insolvent, and since they were absolving womanhood of needing a man, both financially and socially, they had replaced their “men” with an indifferent government.  It sounds harsh, but the analogy is true, Diana told the woman that the government was The Swedish Model’s Pimp.  This women’s group was being used to push socialism, with little or no reward, and left destitute, desiring the largesse of the highest-taxed country in Europe, but receiving peanuts.

The simple vision of capitalism.  

If you provide a good or service valuable to the population you serve (in this case women), in capitalism, the capital flows to you without compulsory means.  Since half the population of Canada is female, this group could probably pay their phone bill, and a lot more, if they sold a valuable product about which women, or anybody, cared.  This somewhat crass view of a capitalist is that this message does not sell; therefore I wasted my time listening to a socialist rally!

When we asked, during the conference, why people are not flocking to Sweden, given this economic utopia, the moderator said that we in the United States “are an island” we are being insulated from the “Good News” of social and economic well-being.  I am not kidding. ..  With a straight face, she said that the United States government “keeps us ignorant by not publicizing these well-known facts.”  Who knew?

Also, endemic to this discussion, were constant negative references to micro finance.  It later struck home, that if a group wishes to espouse government, taxes, and large scale socialism; micro finance, which is the third-world way to start banking and business, would be anathema.  In fact, what good socialist is going to wish any independence, however small, upon potential subjects/socialists.  It just stuns me that people really believe this way.

So, to add our two wannabe participants in the Euro joke:  in heaven, the Swedes are the models, and the Canadians are the economists.  In hell, the Swedes are the economists and the Canadians are the models.

So, as a post-script to the European joke, in heaven, the models are Swedish.  In hell, the Economic model is Swedish…..

Eh, it still doesn’t work.

Women: Career or Home and Family…

Rachel Allison

What has our society done to us?

Has Hollywood and advertising caused us to focus on looks rather than depth, and instant gratification rather than virtue and self-control?  Have we become caught up with priorities that may bring status and recognition while true and lasting fulfillment are eluded because we have not focused on selfless service?  If only we could place our causes and priorities under a type of magnifying glass that could clearly project the future outcome of our time and efforts.  We could then examine whether our time commitments are helping us reach the top of the mountain we are really wanting to reach.

Recently I read an article entitled “The Bride Who was Groomed for a Career” by Lea Singh.  What an interesting viewpoint on feminism.  In years past I have rubbed shoulders with many women who believe that first and foremost they should prepare for a fulfilling career.  These women eventually want marriage and family too, but they have been so focused on priorities dictated by secularism and feminism that other concerns are given only a side-glance.

Several years ago my husband and I became good friends with a fortyish-age woman who had made quite a career for herself in the fashion world.  Her name and photo were regulars in some of the more exclusive New York magazines. She once told us that she lived the life of “The Devil Wears Prada.” In fact she had worked closely with the woman who inspired the above-mentioned movie.  She said that her schedule required that a sleeping bag be kept in one of her office drawers, and evening gowns were kept in her office closet.  There were many weeks where her office WAS her home, and she loved the excitement and lure of all the glitz and recognition!  That is she loved it until she realized that with this kind of pace she would never find serious prospects for marriage. As she neared her 40^th birthday, she made a courageous decision.  She actually quit her job and began writing a book.  Her time became her own, and amazingly she was married within a year. The last I heard she had two small children, and she was finally living the life she really wanted all along.

I’m not at all implying that women should not attend college and get a degree. Any and all education received gives confidence and perspective.  It can inspire and empower….making any woman a better companion and mother.

I found Lea Singh’s viewpoint extremely interesting. The following is taken from Ms. Singh’s article:

I wish that as I was growing up, the role of wife and mother had been more fully present as a respectable and important option that also needs time and training, not just an afterthought that automatically tacks on to a career. Much of the skill set I acquired in university is not very useful in the home. Although I know how to write legal briefs, I wish I knew how to sew, play family songs on the piano and cook without a cookbook, and even that I was more familiar with caring for little ones and for a busy household. All the chores I was protected from in order to enable me to study as I was growing up – maybe I should have done them after all, including some babysitting. I want to give these experiences to my daughter, so that she will be better equipped not just for a career, but also for motherhood.

I even wish – and this is sure to get some hair frizzed – that it had been explained to me that a high-flying career does not go well with family life. Men and women really are different. When the man gets married, it is just a sweet step in the direction of all his life dreams. He can climb up the career ladder and still be a good father to his nine kids. He will get a deep sense of meaning and fulfillment from providing for his family.

But where feminism has confused women, it has made us dream that we are the same as men. Men are not mothers, and children don’t need them in the same way as they will inevitably need us. So if we want to have children, we can’t pretend to be men in our career plans and aspirations. Do we really want to have someone else caring for our homes and our children? It does not have to be that way. We need to embrace a model of life success that is less career-oriented and more family-centered. Giving of oneself to others, while it comes without diplomas, year-end bonuses and frequent-flyer miles, is just as worthy and important as building up one’s own career.