WHAT IS A MOTHER?

Maddi Gillel

“Mothers are patient souls.  You Mother, in particular, must have been a blue ribbons patience winner when you were young.  How else could she have raised such a one as you?  Patience alone couldn’t have done it; it took many cubic miles of love and lucky for you (lucky for all of us) that a mother’s heart is as boundless as the universe itself.  Anyone else would have scrubbed our ears, dressed us in our Sunday best, and sent us packing to the nearest orphan’s home after the first two or three years of trying to convert a small savage into a civilized boy or girl.

When we were little, Mother was everything to us – the police department, the board of education, the department of public works, the recreation commission, the finance department, the court of correction.  She was a busy person. The only reason she wasn’t driven out of her mind is because she was a mother with the leadership of Moses, the courage of Daniel, and the patience of Job.

All mothers are beautiful when they are young – remember?  Then as the years turn into decades, Mother meets another man besides Dad and this man is Old Father Time.  Her fresh beauty changes after she and Old Father Time get to be good friends.  There are little cut lines on her thumb made by the paring knife and the winter winds roughen her cheeks when she hangs out the clothes.  She doesn’t carry the grocery bags so jauntily as when you were skipping along by her side.  And her eyes, once dancing, are tired because they have seen so many, many things.  Then one day, Mother looks in the mirror and says to herself, “I am no longer pretty,” and it is a sad and lonely day.  Mother is seldom wrong, but she was wrong that time.  The beauty of mothers is as indestructible as Faith, Hope, and Love because mothers are all these things and a very great deal more.

When the years roll on and the children scatter to the faraway places of the earth, mother’s job is done.  Her little ones have become young men and women, for better or for worse, and there is nothing left that she possibly can do.  Now she can sit back and relax and take things easy in the golden autumn of her life.  But does she? No!  Now she has grandchildren to visit, to plan for, to buy for, to make for, to sew for, to knit for, and if she lives long enough she becomes a great-grandmother.  Only then can she stop and rest and spend the remainder of her days just being as beautiful as only great-grandmothers can be.

But whether she be 18 or 80, Mother is an irreplaceable treasure.  None other will ever love you half so well or half so foolishly.   None other will be so sure you are right, good and worthy.  Of course, sometimes she is wrong, but God love her for it and keep her forever in His grace.”

By Alan Beck

Isn’t this how we all feel about our mothers?  My mother was my whole world and now that I am a grandmother, I still think to myself, or say it out loud “ I need to ask mom about that” – or – “I’ll ask mom what she would do.”  What a rare treasure a mother is.

A few years back, I read an article in REAL SIMPLE (magazine) about some women entitled “What makes me feel beautiful?”  There were 3 women with their stories, but only one impressed me deeply.  This author – Kathryn Harrison – stated that what made her feel beautiful was spending time with her kids.  It showed a picture of her with one of her daughters, and I was stunned by how beautiful she looked.  She states,

“The first time it happens, we’re out walking: my little boy holding my left hand, his older sister on my right, and the baby, six weeks old, asleep in her Snugli.  We’re still at the stage when my taking a shower seems like an accomplishment.  I haven’t lost all the weight I gained while pregnant; it’s been months since I had my hair highlighted to preserve the conceit that I remain as blond as I was at 16;  I look like I’m getting as little sleep as I am, and I am wearing a nursing bra – a contraption that, inexplicably, department stores categorize as lingerie.  In short: not a glamorous moment.

 Still, I feel – for the first time in my life – really, truly, I don’t-need-anyone-to-tell-me-so, drop-dead beautiful.  It has taken three children to deliver me to this state, this symmetry of boy on my left, girl on my right, and baby on my breast.  Ridiculous, but as we navigate the sidewalk I feel radiant, as if I were wearing a dress encrusted with precious stones, reflecting the sun’s light.  Wasn’t I supposed to feel this way on the day I married my children’s father?  Photographs suggest I made an attractive bride, but I was so overwhelmed by the momentousness of the occasion that all I felt was scared, not at all sure I was equal to the promises I was about to make.

 Most people would probably cite one of my other achievements before motherhood: I write; I teach; I’m a good wife, a generous friend.  Each of these pursuits is gratifying.  None of them make me feel beautiful. Before children, I used to move down the street like someone who hoped no one would recognize her.  Now, walking by reflective shop windows, I don’t think to check how I look.  I already know.  From this moment on, I never feel more beautiful than when I am with my children. “ (Kathryn Harrison – REAL SIMPLE – August 2009 -p. 144)

 

 

 

 

 

Five Reasons to be a Single Parent? Give me a Break!

Rachel Allison

My children are pretty savvy…at least their mother thinks so.  However, periodically one or another will surprise me with a statement that proves that he’s not as “in the know” as he should be.  By sighting a few statistics or studies, my child has learned to verbally back off the issue until further investigation.

Where is Kerry Zane’s mother? Kerry Zane is an Emmy Award-winning television producer who wrote an article in the Huffington Post entitled “5 Reasons It’s Better to be a Single Parent.”  Unbelievably the Huffington Post published it.  Why unbelievably?  Because any reader who has studied family issues knows that Ms. Zane’s article is totally self serving and full of error. The HP is now the “clock that struck 13,”  casting doubt over all previous and future articles.

Ms. Zane’s reasons?

1.  “I no longer have to negotiate with a husband. “ I now get to make all the decisions “which in the long run is better for [my] offspring’s well-being.”

2.  “Stellar Independent Role Model:” (check out her #4 reason to see if #2 makes any sense at all.) Her daughters can see that she is a “completely whole and independent adult, and they will emulate her healthy behaviors.”  (Again, check out her #4.)

3. “Since society is shifting away from bonds of matrimony,” her children will be “enlightened and possibly relieved that they are no longer tied to that traditional lifestyle…Long-term relationships without wedding bands can be stronger.” (LOL)

4.  “Bed sharing not required:  Married couples may have more sex, but it isn’t nearly as much fun.  While they constantly have to “spice it up” in the bedroom, the nature of being single and switching partners does all the cooking for us.  We tease, experiment, and explore the bawdy awareness of every new lover.  Men and women, make the sex hotter during the first two years of a relationship. “ (Uh, is that a two year long-term relationship without wedding bands that can be stronger?  Why did she limit the “hot sex” to two years?  Is that when the guy or gal move on?)

5.  “Building a better body:  Marriages are like your freshman year in college.  You have the tendency to pack on the pounds.  One study found that women could gain five to eight pounds in the first few years of their wedded bliss and a whopping 54 pounds by the ten-year mark, while their single counterparts stay slim.  Most of us have an overriding desire to want to be attractive to prospective mates of the opposite sex.  The result of a divorce?  A slimmer, trimmer you—aka the divorce Diet.”  (It’s still all about #4)

Statistics from SingleParentSuccess.org

• In 1995, nearly six of 10 children living with mothers only were near the poverty line. About 45 percent of children raised by divorced mothers and 69 percent by never-married mothers lived in or near poverty, which was $13,003 for a family of three in 1998. Census Brief CENBR/97-1, Bureau of the Census www.census.gov, September 1997.
• 75% of children/adolescents in chemical dependency hospitals are from single-parent families. (Center for Disease Control, Atlanta, GA)
• 63% of suicides are individuals from single parent families (FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin – Investigative Aid)
• 75% of teenage pregnancies are adolescents from single parent homes (Children in need: Investment Strategies…Committee for Economic Development)
• Based on the National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS) results of married couples’ sexual activities, women generally seem happier with their sex lives than we would think; Although married women have sex less frequently, they are more likely to derive physical and emotional satisfaction from sex, than women in dating relationships.

I’m a 60 years old  wife, mother and grandmother. I certainly don’t pretend to be all knowing, but I can see Ms. Zane’s article for what it is… narcissistic, selfish, un-researched nonsense.  What upsets me most is that the HP’s younger readers may actually fall for all her worthless baloney.  Does anyone know Kerry Zane’s mother?

Remembering CSW

Rachel Allison

This week is the final week of the “Commission on the Status of Women,” a conference being held at the United Nations in New York City.  United Families International has several volunteers at the UN working to influence pro-life and pro-family language into the outcome documents that will soon become International Law.

As important as this lobbying is, those in our delegation also have opportunity to support women who have come from all over the world to speak to UN delegations concerning their difficult situations at home. Until we hear their stories many of us cannot fathom the situations these good women are experiencing.  In past years I have heard women speak about human slave and sex trafficking.  Their laws and police force do not protect them or their children from such atrocities.   I have heard women talk about watching other women stoned to death without trial or jury.  I have heard women talk about laws that do not protect their 10, 11, and 12 year-old daughters from being bought and subjected to marriage and pregnancy…pregnancy that often causes the unborn baby to die within the womb of the child bride because her body is not mature enough to give birth.

I’m not at CSW (Commission on the Status of Women) this year, but I am trying to read as much as I can about what is happening as they try to direct this year’s focus on eliminating violence against women. I just read an article by someone who is at the conference.  His words brought back vivid memories of needs and concerns that are too often sidelined.

“During the waning days of the conference’s first week and well into this most recent weekend,  I watched and listened as African women discussed and debated the all-important Outcome Document amongst themselves.  Luckily for me, English is their common language and as I sat beside them in the Business Center of our clean but quite modest hotel late into the night on Saturday AND Sunday, I heard their concerns.”

“They are worried about their daughter’s AND son’s education; they want access to potable water in the more remote regions of their respective countries; more doctors, and in keeping with          this year’s conference theme, they want real life-and-death protection for their daughters.”

As I read his article, I was taken back to the years when I attended CSW, and my heart went out to these women who are desperate for help.  I have personally seen women who have to walk miles for potable water.  I have seen the small dark tents where 15+ children huddle to be taught reading and simple arithmetic. I have seen villages whose only “doctor” is a witch doctor who uses the same needle on his patients until it is too dull to be used again.  I have seen mother’s grieve over the loss of a child to dehydration, snakebite, and disease when there was no medicine or help to save.

We who can’t imagine raising a family in such living conditions should count our blessings, and determine that we will give selflessly to strengthen our families, and then support causes that can lift and help the struggling.

Because I have seen what I have seen, and experienced what I have experienced, I cannot, without guilt, spend time on the trivial.  I’m grateful for that guilt.  There are causes too vital not to get involved.  I try to examine my priorities every day. And then I pray like the dickens that my efforts will make a difference.

Children must be Taught…and Taught…and Taught…

Rachel Allison

How many times did I teach my children the same principle? And how many times did I remind them of what was required, and what was expected?  Probably just as often as I was reminded when I was a child and adolescent. Teaching a child correct habits and behavior is paramount to their life success.  Teaching goes with the territory of good parenting. The difficult part is reminding them patiently and without judgment.  Yes, that is definitely the difficult part.

“Be kind.” “Hang up your clothes.” “Go outside to wrestle.” “Do your homework.” “Share.” “Stand up straight.” “Did you floss?” “Get your work done.” “Chew with your mouth closed.”  ”Wipe your feet.” “Close the door.”  ”Make your bed.”….  Does any of this sound familiar?

My husband repeats this couplet quite often to me:

[Children] must be taught as if you’ve taught them not,

And things unknown proposed as things forgot. (Alexander Pope)

We teach and nurture with the hopes that when our children mature and leave home our teachings will follow them out the door?  We can hope and pray so.  But simply because our children turn 18 and go on to college or the military or to their own apartment doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be aware of the occasional teaching opportunities. We need to be aware that at this point of their lives they are being influenced and taught by their roommates, fellow students, professors, bosses and work associates.  These “influencers” may have a completely different set of values and principles guiding their behavior in life.

Because our eighteen to twenty-five year old children are still learning, and they are still learning… our influence is still important.  I’m not advocating  “helicopter parenting,” but the decisions made during that crucial 18-25+ year period will have lasting impact on our children’s futures.  Because they are still our children, we can’t have the mind set, “My work is finished…they are on their own.”  Unfortunately society and the media target the 18-25+ year old audience with much that entices and attracts, but which also misleads and even destroys.

Just last night we received a phone call from one of our adult children that signaled red flags on the near horizon.  Concern kept me awake until well past midnight, so I decided to write a letter to my 30+ year-old son.

Again the couplet spoke to me…

Men must be taught as if you’ve taught them not,

And things unknown proposed as things forgot.

My letter was a reminder to:

Prioritize your life.

Family comes first.

Pride will blur your vision of the most important goals and purposes in your life right now.

Eliminate everything unnecessary that is causing stress.

Don’t run faster than you have strength.

Focus on the most important.

Work to balance your life.

My husband will follow up with a phone call to our son after he has had time to read my letter.  Hopefully my advice will ring true to his core beliefs.  He has been taught these principles, but the difficult situation he is battling has caused him to forget.

I strongly believe that the teachings in the home become an integral part of our children’s lives.  If at some point they become distracted and forget those teachings, eventually they will come back to that grounding given in a loving home.  That belief has given me a lot of hope as I have experienced disappointment with some of my children’s decisions.  It’s more than a responsibility…it’s my duty to love them, encourage them, and continue to council and advise. Good parenting never ends.  The demands change from being physically exhausting to emotionally exhausting, and these precious children are worth it all.

Need a Cause? Protect the Family

Rachel Allison

I’m going to admit to something that very few people know.  During those crazy busy years when my children were at home, I never read the newspaper.  I just didn’t have time. Every waking minute I was occupied with feeding, clothing, cleaning, teaching, arbitrating, carpooling, communicating, appointment keeping, music practicing…all of which focused around my five active children. Our home and neighborhood were our world.  Like I said…it was crazy busy but it was also crazy wonderful.

Generally speaking today’s busy mothers are much more tuned into their outside world.  For those who are interested, computers and Smart Phones have made the world very accessible.

Good, because you busy young mothers need to be aware of what is taking place in your children’s schools, destructive apps that are available on their phones, the studies on television viewing, and many more issues that directly affect your children’s lives.

I believe it when I hear,  “having four children today keeps parents as busy as eight children just two generations earlier.”

My heart goes out to parents and children who are struggling to keep focused on issues and learning that will lift and empower toward successful happy futures. There is so much garbage to walk through, and the burden of maneuvering through that garbage falls on Mom and Dad.  They need help!

There are battles to be waged and warnings to be given.  Men and women who have time to openly and courageously fight battles to preserve and protect the family are needed now more than ever before.  There are many causes in the world, and I’m pretty sure our readers are involved in some good ones.  Evaluate your causes, and if you see a need to elevate…what better cause than the family. Get involved in your neighborhood school curriculum reviews.  Be alert to what is happening in your state legislature, and rally like-minded people to visit your legislators about your concerns. Write letters to the editor.  Be aware of what is going on in your city…go to your city council meetings.  Defend the family.  Get involved.  Read the news that is impacting families throughout the world.  You will soon realize how many are working to destroy the family as we know it. This work cannot be left to busy Moms and Dads.  They are in the “trenches” taking care of their children’s immediate needs.  But those of us whose children are grown have the time…and we certainly see the value.

“The family is the corner stone of our society. More than any other force it shapes the attitude, the hopes, the ambitions, and the values of the child. And when the family collapses it is the children that are usually damaged. When it happens on a massive scale the community itself is crippled. So, unless we work to strengthen the family, to create conditions under which most parents will stay together, all the rest – schools, playgrounds, and public assistance, and private concern – will never be enough…”
 Lyndon Johnson

The Entitled Generation

Rachel Allison

I’m visiting my daughter and son-in-law this week in Wisconsin.  During the course of our telephone conversation weeks ago, I asked my daughter what her children needed…new nightgowns or skirts?  They love Nana’s home-sewn flannel nightgowns and “twirly” skirts. I was surprised when she responded, “Mom don’t bring them anything.” She recognized the surprise in my voice, and went on to explain.  She was reading the book “The Entitlement Trap” by Richard and Linda Eyre, and she said that she is determined not to raise her children with an entitlement mentality. Apparently, the giving of non-birthday/Christmas gifts can lend itself to that entitlement thinking that she is so opposed to?

I arrived at the airport empty handed and my sweet grandchildren were still eager to see me.  We have had a great time together these past six days. Watching my daughter mold and teach her four children has been extremely rewarding.  They have family responsibilities and daily household chores.  They go to the chore chart every day and take their respective duties in stride. If they choose not to do their work, another chore is added.  They seemingly take this extra chore in stride also…after all it was their decision to procrastinate.  I have been amazed at their acceptance of both personal responsibility and the consequences of careless attention to that responsibility.

Needless to say, I was intrigued as to how our daughter has instilled this attitude into children so young.  Her three oldest are 7 ½, 6, and 4 ½.

I did a little research on the Eyre’s, and I would like to share an interview I found that explained how they came to understand the need for change in this modern world of child entitlement.  The Eyres have lectured and held conferences on parenting worldwide. They have encountered parents from every ethnicity, creed, and culture, and they have learned that all parents everywhere basically have the same parental aspirations and face the same parenting challenges.  These are questions the Eyre’s are often asked?

“Why won’t my kids put in the effort at school to reach their full potential?”

“Why won’t they pick up their clothes or put away their toys?”

“Why do they sometimes make such obviously bad and foolish choices?”

“Why do they think they need to have everything their friends have?”

“Why is it so hard for me to influence my kids . . . and so easy for their peers to influence them?”

“Why can’t I get them to set some goals and to start feeling responsible for their lives?…Or to work and to follow through on their tasks?”

“Why can’t I get them away from games and gadgets, from cell phones and headphones?”

“Why is it so hard to communicate with my kids?”

“And why is it so hard to teach them responsibility?”

Their interview continues:

“…the interesting thing is that these questions, shared by today’s parents, were not the prime questions of parents one or two generations ago. Yesterday’s kids had a much greater sense of personal responsibility than today’s kids. Think how things have changed: When your grandparents were young, children often worked for their parents; now parents work for their kids. When your parents were children, it took more work to keep a household going than it does now, and kids did a lot of that work. And even when you were a child, there was some sense that kids owed a lot to their parents; now parents seem to think they owe everything to their kids.

Two Parenting Epiphanies: The Problem Of Entitlement And The Solution Of Ownership

Frankly, we were a little slow to see the picture clearly — the picture of what is happening to this generation of kids. We had been writing and speaking to parents about responsibility and values for more than a decade, and then one evening, as we heard those same questions about laziness and messiness and bad choices and lack of motivation for the umpteenth time from another large audience of parents in another large auditorium, we had a parenting epiphany:

We realized that all the questions hinge on the same problem —

and the problem is entitlement.

“Entitlement” is the best name we know for the attitude of children who think they can have, should have, and deserve whatever they want, whatever their friends have — and that they should have it now and not have to earn it or give up anything for it.

And it goes beyond having to behaving. They think they should be able to do whatever they want, whatever their friends do, now, and without a price.

This sense of entitlement contributes mightily to sloppiness, to low incentive, to boredom, to bad choices, to instant gratification, to constant demands for more, and to all kinds of addictions (including the addiction to technology).

Perhaps the biggest problem with entitlement is that under its illusions, there seem to be no real consequences in life and no motivation to work for anything. Someone will always bail you out, get you off the hook, buy you a new one, make excuses for you, give you another chance, pay your debt, and hand you what you ask for.

Entitlement is a double-edged sword (or a double-jawed trap) for kids. On one edge it gives kids all that they don’t need — indulgence, dullness, conceit, and laziness; and on the backswing, it takes from them everything they do need — motivation, independence, inventiveness, pride, responsibility, and a chance to really work for things and to build their own sense of fulfillment and self-esteem.

As we worked with our own children on the problem of entitlement, and as we focused more attention on it in our lectures and seminars on teaching values and responsibility, we had a second parenting epiphany… It was simply that

feelings of entitlement are always connected to a

lack of work and sacrifice and ownership.

When people (adults or kids) don’t work for something, or give up anything for it, they never feel the pride of owning it or the will to care for and develop it. We began to understand that a sense of ownership is the antidote to entitlement, and from that point on, we have been developing methods to help children feel the responsibility of ownership.

There is a gap between being a child and being an adult, a space, a breach, a journey … and how and when it is crossed will make all the difference in your own happiness and in that of your child.

In many parts of the world, particularly the third world, kids are forced to jump the gap too fast or too soon. Because of poverty or the absence of parents, they have to play the role of adults while they are still children, missing out on much of the joy and learning of childhood.

But in most of contemporary society, it is the opposite — children seem never to grow up because parents do everything for them, give everything to them, over-serve and overindulge, allowing them to avoid responsibility, to “move back in,” and to essentially continue to be children.

Modern parents in America and Europe and most other developed countries unwittingly promote the worst of both worlds by giving their children license too early and responsibility too late. They allow their kids to do many things before they are emotionally and socially ready. And yet at the same time, parents (and the society around them) give kids a sense of entitlement that allows them to avoid most of the accountability and ownership that would help them become responsible adults.

It is because of this environment of entitlement that parenting is a bigger challenge now than it has ever been.

We are going to be blunt with you. We are going to answer the question of where this sense of entitlement comes from — and most of the answer is you! We are going to tell you what to stop doing. But we are also going to tell you what to start doing and how to replace your child’s sense of entitlement with a sense of ownership and responsibility. It is not an easy transition, but it can be an enormously enjoyable and worthwhile one that will affect your child’s whole life (not to mention yours!). (Deseret News, September 9, 2011)

My hope is that the Eyre interview has helped you realize that attitudes of entitlement can be corrected.  For those of you desperately searching for help with your children, may I suggest you purchase “The Entitlement Trap,” by Richard and Linda Eyre.  If its suggestions and guidelines will do for your children what it has done for my grandchildren, you and your children will be tremendously rewarded.

 

Marriage and Those Unavoidable Up-Hill Battles

Rachel Allison

It’s Valentine’s Week….the week for love and romance. For those of us who are married, it’s also a time that gives special occasion to reflect on the love, appreciation and commitment to our spouse and companion.

This week I am especially grateful that my husband and I survived the difficult periods of our marriage.  There were months that I wasn’t sure we would.  But we did survive, and as a result our marriage of 37 years has been quite the learning, growing and bonding experience.

It didn’t take us long to recognize that marriage isn’t just about love…in fact there were weeks and months throughout our years together that I didn’t feel much love.  We were both just too busy and too overwhelmed.  The start up of a business, the births and nurturing of five active children, a struggling business, a failed business, health concerns, energy drain, and time commitments that stretched us way too thin, all left little strength to even think about love.

Life was a steep up-hill battle, but thank heavens we climbed together.  When I was weak, he pulled me.  When he was weak, I pushed.  Gratefully, there were seasons of our life where we were actually able to stop and enjoy the view from the top of those hills.  It was beautiful and peaceful, and it all felt right.  Too often those seasons of undisturbed enjoyment were short-lived because another huge hill was placed before us, and it too, needed to be climbed.  At times I climbed a hill or two “kicking and screaming” so to speak, but my husband was by my side patiently pulling me onward.

Years ago, if I had seen the mountain range that was looming ahead in our future, would I have reconsidered my commitment to marry?   Perhaps.  But the joy and satisfaction I feel now, coupled with what we have become as a companionship makes me sure of my marriage decision.  We’re at the point in our lives where we are one in purpose, drive, and understanding.  We are wiser, much more mature, and we are stronger. My husband and I are at the top of a mountain right now, and the memories of those past steep climbs are full of striving, challenge, hard work, dedication, contentment, laughter, and yes, love. We both have climbing scars, and we are grateful for them…they are sweet and they are   reminiscences of a marriage worth celebrating.

The Demise of Guys? Over My Dead Body

Gregg Murset

I recently read the book entitled, “The Demise of Guys” and was totally shocked at the statistics reinforcing what I instinctively already knew in my head. As the author put it, “guys are flaming out”. Crashing and burning. Biting the dust.

Well, I for one, am not letting my guys ages 15, 10, 8 and almost 6 “flame out”. Nope… over my dead body is that going to happen.

These guys are growing up in a world that would have no problem if they just completely wasted all the potential they have wrapped up inside of them. Just chewed them up and spit them out. These guys need a man that has been down the road a little further than they have been, to help lead the way and educate them about all the pitfalls out there.

That is what a real man does right?

So why are guys going down in flames? Well, there are a number of contributing factors but the two biggest reasons fit into the same category: technology. Specifically, video games and online pornography.

The average young person will spend 10,000 hours gaming by age 21. What? With so many boys running around now with a gaming device in their front pocket, I’m not really that surprised. Every time there is a spare minute, out comes the video game and the time wasting begins. The author put this in context when he stated that it takes the
average college student only half that time – 4,800 hours – to earn a bachelor’s degree.  Let’s see here… a college degree or hours of mind numbing gaming? Unfortunately, many guys are choosing the latter to their own demise. I’m not bashing the occasional virtual adventure on a winter day, but 10,000 hours? Come on.

The pornography business is picking up speed at a staggering rate and destroying guys left and right as it barrels down the tracks. One in three boys is now considered a “heavy” porn user, viewing nearly two hours of porn every week. Really? Seriously?  Worldwide, pornography is almost a 100 billion dollar industry. This filth is peddled to anyone that will take a look, with the hope that they will take another look and yet another until they are stuck in an addictive cycle that destroys their ability to have normal interactions with others, especially those of the opposite sex.

Well, as disheartening as these statistics may be… take courage, I have a few simple solutions to consider:

First, boys need more to do. They need to be given more responsibility earlier on in life.  How about some jobs around the house for heavens sake? It’s hard to game or get in trouble on the internet while you have a lawn mower or a paintbrush in your hand! Have them get off the couch or come out of their room, where they are more than likely
gaming in seclusion, and do something productive. They might cuss you under their breath when they are younger but I believe they will praise your name later in life.  Shoot, maybe even sincerely thank you face to face! Wouldn’t that be nice? The men that have my respect are real men that know how to work hard.

Secondly, boys need some goals. A clear vision of what they could or should be doing with their time. If they aren’t gaming so much or looking at porn, that leaves a lot of time to do something worthwhile. So sit down with your son, nephew, friend, whoever, and help open their eyes to the many other meaningful things that they could be doing with
their time. Read good books, learn how to play an instrument or take on a new language. Get interested in a hobby like hunting or fishing or enroll them in some other organized sport.

Maybe it’s weight lifting or running or mountain biking. Help them set some financial goals and teach them how to make good financial decisions. Help them understand that good things come to those that wait. Maybe it’s saving up for the car they might be dreaming of when they get into High School. As they set some goals and then make the effort to achieve those goals they will have an increased sense of self worth. Not some lame, fake, and fleeting self worth that comes from achieving another level on a video game or being momentarily aroused by yet another pornographic image.

You know what’s going to happen if we can keep them out of this technology trap? They are going to do better in school, have better social skills, be more self-motivated, learn how to work and make good money decisions. All in all, they are going to be more pleasant to be around. Bonus!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying to go on complete and total technology lock down. Don’t freak out and pile up the iPhones and start a bon-fire or anything. These little gadgets are totally amazing if used for the right purposes. We just need to make sure that these guys that we are raising are given some guidance so they aren’t the ones that get run over by this technological train barreling down the tracks.

The demise of guys? Well, for my four guys it’s going to have to be over my dead body.

Gregg Murset is the Founder of http://www.myjobchart.com and father of four boys and two girls.

Who’s Raising Our Children?

Becca Carl & Caitlyn Green

From the time I was six, both of my parents worked outside the home. The day care I attended took me to school and picked me up every day. When I was there, we played many games and went outside a lot of the time. I remember there was one teacher taking care of at least 20 children. Often times, after day care, my grandparents picked me up. We would go over to their house until my mom got off of work. I wished that I was home more often, or that I could go straight home after school.  So many parents are missing moments of their children’s lives because they are letting other people take care of their children.

There certainly are situations that necessitate a mother working outside the home; times when there is no other option.  But how many parents simply drop off their children without even a second thought? Do you know who is watching and interacting with your children while you are gone? Does that day care meet your children’s needs?  And at the end of the day when picking up your children from day care, do you take the time to really be with your children.  Do you make sure that happens every day?

Quality Daycare: What Are We Really Focusing On?

“More than 60% of families in the United States with children ages 5 to 14 years have mothers who are in the labor force” (National Institute of Child Health, 2004, p.280). Since 1999, 72 %of single mothers have gone into the work force with 50% working full time and 18% working part time. Because of this increase in mothers working in the last few decades, there is a higher demand for child care services.   With so many children in day care, it becomes particularly crucial that parents direct their full attention to the type and the quality of day care they place their children in.

Suzanne W. Helburn and Carolle Howes (1996) explain:

“The CQO study indicated that about 86% of the centers in the study provided mediocre or poor-quality services. Only 14% of the centers surveyed met levels of process quality that were high enough to support children’s development. Twelve percent were judged to be of such poor quality that children’s basic health and safety needs were only partly met and few learning experiences were provided. Quality in the rest (74%) of the centers was judged mediocre. Care for infants and toddlers was particularly poor. Only 8% of classrooms serving infants were rated high quality; fully 40% were judged low quality. At least half the infant and toddler classrooms observed had poor general health practices.” (pp. 66-67)

Day care should be a place that fosters the learning and development of children.  The teacher should be engaged in focused teaching and interacting with the children instead of just allowing children to run around.  If the teacher to children ratio is too large, that becomes a difficult task for even the best teacher.   Some care givers haven’t been educated about child development and don’t understand how to handle many situations such as crying, throwing a tantrum or running around wildly.  In an Illinois study, more than 40 percent parents of low-income didn’t think a license was of importance to their child’s provider (Helbrum & Howes, 1996, p.70).

Unfortunately, many parents’ attention is directed toward the cost of the childcare rather than on the quality.   It isn’t enough to just find a place, but it needs to be the right place.  It has to be somewhere where their children’s needs are being met and it can never be forgotten that you have literally entrusted  your child’s life to another individual.

Checklist for You:

As parents, it’s wise to know what a quality childcare service is, and then determine if your child is already in one. Here is a checklist:

1. Group size: The smaller the size the better. The more children there are, the more problems that will occur. A group size shouldn’t be greater than 18 to 20 children with two teachers.
2. Teacher-child ratio: It is similar to group size. For one teacher, there should be no more than 8 to 10 preschool children. For infants and toddlers, the ratio should be less because infants and toddlers need more attention. If it’s a family childcare service, then no more than six children should be attending.
3. Physical setting: Check to see if the inside environment is clean, in good repair, and has  play or activity areas. Look for a fenced outdoor space with play equipment such as a swing, climbing equipment and sandbox.
4. Teacher qualifications: Double check to make sure that the teachers have specialized preparation in early childhood development, early childhood education or a related field, and that they are not just  freshly graduated high-school students.
5. Licensing:  If a child-care setting at a center or in a home has a license, the chances are far greater that you have found a high-quality program.

When At Home, Be At Home:

Although finding good-quality childcare is important, you still need to be there for your children.  Take the time to see how your children are doing.  Ask them questions about their day.   When home, engage in healthy games, reading, and interaction with your children.  Coming home from work can be exhausting, but the time spent with your children will be some of your best time and best memories.  It is also time in your child’s life that you cannot afford to waste.  It’s important to make sure that you are there not only physically, but mentally as well.  Just because you are at work all day doesn’t mean you have to lose out on spending some real quality time with your children.

Children need their parents to be there for them, especially when they’ve been apart for most of the day.  Even parents who don’t work outside the home fall into the trap of assuming that their mere presence is enough.  Your children want you to be with them, play with them,  read to them, be a central part of their lives when you are all at home.   Please, for your children’s sake, let them know that you are there for them and that you love them.  You, not some other individual or business, are the parent so don’t abdicate that responsibility to someone else.  Quality daycare does exist and it can be indispensable to working parents, but it, alone, can never be the parent that your child needs and deserves.

References

 Almanac of Policy Issues (2000). Child care. Retrieved from: http://www.policyalmanac.org/social_welfare/archive/child_care.shtml

Berk, L.E. (2012). Infants, Children and Adolescents. Boston, MA: Pearson Education Inc.

Helburn, S.W. & Howes, C. (1996). Child care cost and quality. The Future of Children, 6(2), 62-82.

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development Early Child Care. (2004). Are child developmental outcomes related to before- and after-school care arrangements? Results from the NICHD study of early child care. Child Development, 75(1), 280-295.

Becca Carl

Caitlyn Green

Sunburns, Head Trauma, and the Social Media

Rachel Allison

Moms and Dads, do your homework where your children are concerned…I wish I had.

My young children spent their summers in southern Colorado surrounded by beautiful ten-thousand foot mountains, and near several streams where they fished for hours most every day.  If they weren’t fishing they were hiking and exploring. Their two Labradors accompanied them everywhere they went.  They left early in the morning with a sack lunch, and most days I didn’t see them until almost dark.  They knew those mountains, and I never worried about their safety. I felt like they were getting a “Huck Finn—Tom Sawyer” experience each summer.  They absolutely loved it. However, unbeknownst to me at the time, I was allowing sun exposure to damage the skin cells of my children, and that damage almost took my son’s life.

You can’t imagine my anguish when my 23-year old son was diagnosed with a melanoma on his arm.  He was in college at the time, and he didn’t understand the seriousness of the diagnosis. He flippantly asked his dermatologist, “What’s the worse case scenario?”  The doctors reply? “You’ll be dead in three months.”  My son sobered immediately, and so did I.

My guilt almost made me nauseous.  As a young mother I didn’t know what permanent damage sun burns inflict.  Had I known, I would have smothered my children with sun block.  I can’t imagine now, how I could have been so unaware of something so seriously harmful to my children.

Perhaps my guilt is what makes me pay close attention to the studies being done on subjects that harm children.  We are hearing about the harmful affects of head injuries to youth.  They are more serious than previously supposed, and prevalent in football and soccer players. With the information available what parents aren’t going to think twice about allowing exposure to the long lasting affects of such trauma?

Concern for the affects of social media should be even more widespread. Why? Because studies show that 95% of the youth between ages 12 and 18 are hooked into social media.  95%! That’s as far reaching as the sun’s rays! Depression, violence, withdrawal, apathy, narcissism…these are all symptoms observed in the studies performed on children/youth addicted to Facebook, texting, video games etc.

I will continue to warn my children to get their bi-annual dermatology check ups.  That’s all I can do after the mistakes I made with sun exposure.  I just wish someone would have warned me.  Well, I’m warning you.